the curse of being type A

So, something that I've noticed about myself over the years, but particularly since becoming ingrained in the Army lifestyle, is that I have trouble accepting help. I've always had a smidgen of this sort of, "I can handle this on my own...for some reason I feel the need to prove to everyone I'm capable all the time and have no weaknesses" mentality and I'm positive I get it from my mother because she is the exact same way, always having to appear as if everything is under control.

Back when my husband went through his first deployment in 2006, I was extremely anxious about the whole ordeal. I wasn't really ever worried for him. I knew that he was a good soldier, good with his rifle, and could take care of himself. I was worried for ME! How on earth was I going to handle all of the things for which I was responsible, plus all of the things my husband handled? Oh, and lest we forget, I had a son who was just barely one year old and a newborn and was therefore in the throws of trying to figure out how to be a mother of two. (I think any mom of more than one can attest to the stress of adjusting to being mother to more than one. When you only have one child, you devote yourself wholly to that child's happiness. You can stop your world from spinning to get their needs met and a smile back on their face. Once you have another, that reality ceases to exist and suddenly you have two babies who can never seem to nap at the same time, but can always seem to be upset at the same time and both have yet to grasp the concept of patience.) To say that I was nervous about him leaving would be a severe understatement. It was more like full blown panic attacks the months leading up to and for several months after he left for Iraq. There were many days that I would just sit in the floor and bawl my eyes out because I felt so overwhelmed and helpless.

me, wearing Ephraim on my front, and Canon on my back at once. summer 2007.

But as is the case in life, you learn to adjust. It all made me a stronger person and during that time I became quite skilled at finding the most efficient way to get things done. Now, this strength and knowledge has been both a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, I have been able to help dozens of mothers learn how to wear their babies in slings, wraps, mei tai's, pouches and soft-structured carriers so that they can keep their little one close, comfortable, and contained while they clean house, grocery shop, or whatever it is they are needing to do. I've been able to offer a lot of encouragement to other military wives and girlfriends going through their first deployments.

However, along with the self-sufficiency I have noticed that I have trouble receiving offers of help. It's not that I don't ever want help, it's just that after so long of meeting my needs myself, I now find that I don't often feel like I have needs that need help to get met. I've reached a point where I'm now self-sufficient to the point that I don't leave much room in my life to be helped, or to be ministered to and blessed by others. I constantly find people asking me, "Do you need help with anything?" and I reply, "I got it." I've become a poster child for strength, efficiency and multi-tasking and it has come at a price. We're called to be an encouragement to others, but am I letting people encourage me or am I closing myself off to being ministered to by others? I'm afraid it's probably the latter, but at least I recognize it now.

Now the question is, how do I make the change? How do I open myself up to that community with others? That's also a problem that I've noticed since we plunged into Army life. It's so easy for me to get caught up in living in the present, instead of living in the now. Back when I was pregnant with Ephraim all of my thoughts were, "once John leaves for Iraq...." and then once he left my thoughts switched to "once John comes home...." Then he came home, immediately got pregnant again and it naturally turned in to thinking, "once the baby's born...." and then "once we move to Oklahoma", "once we move to the city" "once you're in Korea", and now a lot of my thoughts have been "once we get back to North Carolina...". Along those lines it can make it hard for me to want to open myself up to others because I think, "What's the point in making friends here when I'm only going to be here for a few more months? It's only going to make it that much harder to leave." Heck, even when we lived on an army post it was easy to not want to get too attached to people, because it seems like as soon as you find someone you really click with, one of you will move away. On the one hand, you get a really tightly knit family unit. On the other hand, you isolate yourself from other families who could be encouraging you and vice-versa. How do you pour yourself into others if you avoid all contact with the world outside the walls of your house?

I want to learn to make friends with abandon again. I want to jump in, head first without a worry as to whether or not this person is going to end up being shady and screwing me over. I don't want to worry about getting hurt by them down the line, or getting attached to them and then it being hard to leave. I want to just build relationships and be in the moment in them. I want to stop being the strong one all the time and be vulnerable and lean on people and I want to be in a friendship where I won't have to worry that being vulnerable is going to freak them out. I want that small part of the old, pre-Army me back.

trying to "live the live" without the Life.

I try to keep it under wraps that I struggle quite a bit with my temper. So often I catch myself missing beautiful moments with my children because I'm so wound up about something that there is no point getting that upset over. Does it ever solve anything to blow my top and explode about anything? Maybe this is a learned behaviour? I remember my mom flipping out on me over things that I thought weren't that big of a deal, and now here I am acting the same way. What really cuts me to the quick, is that more and more I'm seeing my oldest son, Canon, getting extremely frustrated and upset over little things in the blink of an eye. I constantly scold myself that I am setting him an example as to how one should respond to disappointment or frustration, and the one I am setting isn't so great. I feel like a drill sgt some days, constantly barking at my kids and I hate it. Every day I get up and say that today is going to be different. "Today I am going to be patient and kind." Good goal. There's just one problem: I am always trying to accomplish this through my own sheer will and flesh. Just trying to hold tight and white-knuckle my way through as my pastor put it on Sunday. Every day I inevitably fail because I'm not being changed supernaturally, I'm just bottling up the frustration and then shooting off about half way through the day. Why am I not cracking open my Bible more often? Why am I not continuously in prayer about this? It isn't just a parenting problem, it's a worship problem. It's a problem with my witness. I have my own children's ministry of my very own and I'm just not giving 100% because I'm not ever asking Jesus to fill me up before I try to pour out. How can I pour out something that isn't there to begin with?

I desperately need more of Jesus in my life. Not just in my life in general, but right here, right now, in this very moment.

I'm grabbing my bible and heading outside. My two older young'uns are running around in the backyard with bubbles and water guns and all manner of fun and I want to be present with them in these moments. This is one of the big reasons why I stay home, after all, is so that I can experience all the little joys with them. So I'm going to go read my Bible with the laughter of children as the soundtrack to my afternoon. I want to soak up every wise and beautiful thing that Jesus is, so that I can better pour Him out and into others.

bills and illness

Can I just say how much I hate bills? I mean, I know they are necessary and that is fine, but as someone who lived in military housing for the bulk of their adult life, it is quite a switch to suddenly have to worry about rent and utilities and lawn care and pest control. Not that we weren't paying for those things before, but we were paying significantly less and it was all taken from hubby's check automatically. It's been a long time since I've had to worry about getting rent paid on time and all of that.

My oldest boy was sick yesterday. He woke up saying he felt sick and that his stomach didn't feel good, but I just figured it was because he was hungry and needed to eat. Next thing I know he's throwing up last night's macaroni and cheese all over the carpet the poor kid. He pretty much laid on the couch all morning and then laid in bed all afternoon. I dragged him out of the house (he said he was feeling better) so I could go pick up a pizza becaues I couldn't find anyone to deliver one out to us, and as soon as we got back inside the house he just laid down on the floor right in the hallway. Tell me that isn't going to break a momma's heart. He ended up throwing up again around midnight and developed a little bit of a fever. I hope he feels better today. It's so unlike my kids to get sick.

growing old so young

i think i might have to surrender to the fact that no longer am i hip/quirky/artsy/off-beat/edgy/etc. i don't go to thrift stores anymore because i don't have the time to look through all the stuff without constantly saying "stop touching that!" "quit hitting him!" "put that down!" "get back over here!". i no longer feel like i have the power to "pull things off" so to speak when it comes to clothing and/or accessories as i once did. i have no idea what is going on in music today or what bands i like or even what style of music i like because i never have time to just listen to music. or read (see previous post). i don't go to shows or museums or galleries or festivals. i no longer am dressing in finds from thrift stores and flea markets and vintage shops. i'm wearing jeans and vneck sweater from old navy for crying out loud! there was a time that i would never EVER have worn something from old navy. i haven't sewn myself a skirt or a dress in years.
when did i become so dang dull? yes, i'd like to grow up and be an adult. i don't want to be stuck at age 19/20 for my entire life, but how did i let myself become someone i said i would never be?

summer of 2004

i think aside from the aesthetic aspect of it, is that i truly love where i live. i love everything about oklahoma. yes, i live next to a railroad track across the street from a pasture full of cows, but there really is so much more to oklahoma than cowboys and indians. i feel like i have been living in a tunnel from a few years, but now that i'm back in the great state of OK, i fully intend to take advantage of all the antique shops and festivals, not just me, but for my kids as well. there is so much out there that i would love for them to see and experience- all the different arts festivals and cultural festivals. i want to instill in them that sense of pride for you state and all the different types of people in it. all kinds of people from the society folks to the inner city folks, farmers to drag queens, and all the people inbetween. i also want them to feel like something like 'growing up' and becoming 'responsible' doesn't necissarily mean that you have to lose your whole identity.

i think having this fresh new start is the perfect time to reinvent myself. get back to the person that God truly created me to be, someone who was quirky, but not wild, and loved to serve others and learn about and from others. now all that's left to do is to get us out there!