So, the husband just left to go back to Korea yesterday. He had been gone for six and a half months and he'll be gone for another 11 before he comes home for good. It was nice to have him home, and we didn't want to give him up, but at least this time will be the last time he'll ever have to leave us. At this point I'm honestly just used to him not being here and doing things on my own, but I know the kids will miss him desperately.
We're headed into the holidays! Thanksgiving is next week and then the season of Advent begins! I need to check through our Jesse tree ornaments so that if we're missing any I can make them ahead of time, and I need to dig around the boxes in the garage and find out Advent wreath and candles. Last year was our first year to celebrate Advent and I definitely want it to be a family tradition. Advent wreaths and the Jesse tree are such an excellent way of daily keeping Christ the focus of the season.
Tonight we're headed to home church at the Snow's for some food, fellowship, and study. I love going over there. It's such a positive and encouraging environment. Not that my regular Sunday morning church, Frontline, is negative by any means, because it isn't. It's just that home church is a more intimate setting where you can interject your own observations or words from the Holy Spirit into the lesson in a way that would be total chaos in a Sunday morning service where there are significantly more people.
Time to start getting the young'uns ready to go!
the curse of being type A
So, something that I've noticed about myself over the years, but particularly since becoming ingrained in the Army lifestyle, is that I have trouble accepting help. I've always had a smidgen of this sort of, "I can handle this on my own...for some reason I feel the need to prove to everyone I'm capable all the time and have no weaknesses" mentality and I'm positive I get it from my mother because she is the exact same way, always having to appear as if everything is under control.
Back when my husband went through his first deployment in 2006, I was extremely anxious about the whole ordeal. I wasn't really ever worried for him. I knew that he was a good soldier, good with his rifle, and could take care of himself. I was worried for ME! How on earth was I going to handle all of the things for which I was responsible, plus all of the things my husband handled? Oh, and lest we forget, I had a son who was just barely one year old and a newborn and was therefore in the throws of trying to figure out how to be a mother of two. (I think any mom of more than one can attest to the stress of adjusting to being mother to more than one. When you only have one child, you devote yourself wholly to that child's happiness. You can stop your world from spinning to get their needs met and a smile back on their face. Once you have another, that reality ceases to exist and suddenly you have two babies who can never seem to nap at the same time, but can always seem to be upset at the same time and both have yet to grasp the concept of patience.) To say that I was nervous about him leaving would be a severe understatement. It was more like full blown panic attacks the months leading up to and for several months after he left for Iraq. There were many days that I would just sit in the floor and bawl my eyes out because I felt so overwhelmed and helpless.
However, along with the self-sufficiency I have noticed that I have trouble receiving offers of help. It's not that I don't ever want help, it's just that after so long of meeting my needs myself, I now find that I don't often feel like I have needs that need help to get met. I've reached a point where I'm now self-sufficient to the point that I don't leave much room in my life to be helped, or to be ministered to and blessed by others. I constantly find people asking me, "Do you need help with anything?" and I reply, "I got it." I've become a poster child for strength, efficiency and multi-tasking and it has come at a price. We're called to be an encouragement to others, but am I letting people encourage me or am I closing myself off to being ministered to by others? I'm afraid it's probably the latter, but at least I recognize it now.
Now the question is, how do I make the change? How do I open myself up to that community with others? That's also a problem that I've noticed since we plunged into Army life. It's so easy for me to get caught up in living in the present, instead of living in the now. Back when I was pregnant with Ephraim all of my thoughts were, "once John leaves for Iraq...." and then once he left my thoughts switched to "once John comes home...." Then he came home, immediately got pregnant again and it naturally turned in to thinking, "once the baby's born...." and then "once we move to Oklahoma", "once we move to the city" "once you're in Korea", and now a lot of my thoughts have been "once we get back to North Carolina...". Along those lines it can make it hard for me to want to open myself up to others because I think, "What's the point in making friends here when I'm only going to be here for a few more months? It's only going to make it that much harder to leave." Heck, even when we lived on an army post it was easy to not want to get too attached to people, because it seems like as soon as you find someone you really click with, one of you will move away. On the one hand, you get a really tightly knit family unit. On the other hand, you isolate yourself from other families who could be encouraging you and vice-versa. How do you pour yourself into others if you avoid all contact with the world outside the walls of your house?
I want to learn to make friends with abandon again. I want to jump in, head first without a worry as to whether or not this person is going to end up being shady and screwing me over. I don't want to worry about getting hurt by them down the line, or getting attached to them and then it being hard to leave. I want to just build relationships and be in the moment in them. I want to stop being the strong one all the time and be vulnerable and lean on people and I want to be in a friendship where I won't have to worry that being vulnerable is going to freak them out. I want that small part of the old, pre-Army me back.
Back when my husband went through his first deployment in 2006, I was extremely anxious about the whole ordeal. I wasn't really ever worried for him. I knew that he was a good soldier, good with his rifle, and could take care of himself. I was worried for ME! How on earth was I going to handle all of the things for which I was responsible, plus all of the things my husband handled? Oh, and lest we forget, I had a son who was just barely one year old and a newborn and was therefore in the throws of trying to figure out how to be a mother of two. (I think any mom of more than one can attest to the stress of adjusting to being mother to more than one. When you only have one child, you devote yourself wholly to that child's happiness. You can stop your world from spinning to get their needs met and a smile back on their face. Once you have another, that reality ceases to exist and suddenly you have two babies who can never seem to nap at the same time, but can always seem to be upset at the same time and both have yet to grasp the concept of patience.) To say that I was nervous about him leaving would be a severe understatement. It was more like full blown panic attacks the months leading up to and for several months after he left for Iraq. There were many days that I would just sit in the floor and bawl my eyes out because I felt so overwhelmed and helpless.
me, wearing Ephraim on my front, and Canon on my back at once. summer 2007.
But as is the case in life, you learn to adjust. It all made me a stronger person and during that time I became quite skilled at finding the most efficient way to get things done. Now, this strength and knowledge has been both a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, I have been able to help dozens of mothers learn how to wear their babies in slings, wraps, mei tai's, pouches and soft-structured carriers so that they can keep their little one close, comfortable, and contained while they clean house, grocery shop, or whatever it is they are needing to do. I've been able to offer a lot of encouragement to other military wives and girlfriends going through their first deployments.
However, along with the self-sufficiency I have noticed that I have trouble receiving offers of help. It's not that I don't ever want help, it's just that after so long of meeting my needs myself, I now find that I don't often feel like I have needs that need help to get met. I've reached a point where I'm now self-sufficient to the point that I don't leave much room in my life to be helped, or to be ministered to and blessed by others. I constantly find people asking me, "Do you need help with anything?" and I reply, "I got it." I've become a poster child for strength, efficiency and multi-tasking and it has come at a price. We're called to be an encouragement to others, but am I letting people encourage me or am I closing myself off to being ministered to by others? I'm afraid it's probably the latter, but at least I recognize it now.
Now the question is, how do I make the change? How do I open myself up to that community with others? That's also a problem that I've noticed since we plunged into Army life. It's so easy for me to get caught up in living in the present, instead of living in the now. Back when I was pregnant with Ephraim all of my thoughts were, "once John leaves for Iraq...." and then once he left my thoughts switched to "once John comes home...." Then he came home, immediately got pregnant again and it naturally turned in to thinking, "once the baby's born...." and then "once we move to Oklahoma", "once we move to the city" "once you're in Korea", and now a lot of my thoughts have been "once we get back to North Carolina...". Along those lines it can make it hard for me to want to open myself up to others because I think, "What's the point in making friends here when I'm only going to be here for a few more months? It's only going to make it that much harder to leave." Heck, even when we lived on an army post it was easy to not want to get too attached to people, because it seems like as soon as you find someone you really click with, one of you will move away. On the one hand, you get a really tightly knit family unit. On the other hand, you isolate yourself from other families who could be encouraging you and vice-versa. How do you pour yourself into others if you avoid all contact with the world outside the walls of your house?
I want to learn to make friends with abandon again. I want to jump in, head first without a worry as to whether or not this person is going to end up being shady and screwing me over. I don't want to worry about getting hurt by them down the line, or getting attached to them and then it being hard to leave. I want to just build relationships and be in the moment in them. I want to stop being the strong one all the time and be vulnerable and lean on people and I want to be in a friendship where I won't have to worry that being vulnerable is going to freak them out. I want that small part of the old, pre-Army me back.
Godly Parenting
So, if there is one thing that grates on my nerves faster than anything it is repetitive noises. Naturally this means that my children are all prone to making random repetitive sound effects. I feel like I am constantly saying, "Stop making that noise!" This morning my oldest son, who is four years old, was making this odd grunting sound over and over, and I told him to stop. So he smiles and makes the noise one more time. I took this disrespect hard. I corrected him for it and as it usually goes in these sorts of situations I immediately think to myself, "I must not be doing a very good job at disciplining my kids, or he would have understood that stop means stop."
The thing that made this morning different, though, was that I began thinking about God as a parent. I do this quite a bit but today a revelation dawned on me. There is no question that God is perfect. The perfect everything, including the perfect parent. He always does the right thing, and we, His children, are still continually doing things He tells us not to do. We may not do them to intentionally disrespect Him, just as I don't think my four year intentionally meant to disrespect me, but we do them just the same. It gave me comfort to realize that even if I was, in fact, a perfect parent, that would still be no guarantee that my kids would always follow what I say to the letter, because, after all even our Holy Father, perfect in all His ways has disobedient children who need constant teaching and correction.
Thank you God, for your grace and mercy and for loving a rebellious screw-up like me.
The thing that made this morning different, though, was that I began thinking about God as a parent. I do this quite a bit but today a revelation dawned on me. There is no question that God is perfect. The perfect everything, including the perfect parent. He always does the right thing, and we, His children, are still continually doing things He tells us not to do. We may not do them to intentionally disrespect Him, just as I don't think my four year intentionally meant to disrespect me, but we do them just the same. It gave me comfort to realize that even if I was, in fact, a perfect parent, that would still be no guarantee that my kids would always follow what I say to the letter, because, after all even our Holy Father, perfect in all His ways has disobedient children who need constant teaching and correction.
Thank you God, for your grace and mercy and for loving a rebellious screw-up like me.
let's talk about our day.
so while this is far from being a true DITL post, it does hit the highlights. it's been a long time since a good picture laden post. you've hung in there with me. i think you deserve it.
today started with a trip to target. what started as an impromptu errand run for toilet bowl cleaner, turned into us buying canon a bicycle. !!! i tossed the idea back and forth about getting him one now while i know i have the extra money for it, or making him wait till christmas, and decided to just do it now. i feel so bad for him everytime the other boys on the street are riding his bikes and he is stuck with the little tricycle he's had since he was two. so now he has a big boy bike, in all it's Lightening McQueen glory.
oh! funny little side note: after target, we went out to eat at Louie's and C saw these posters and said, "see. you have to be black to do that. the white one isn't doing it. the black man is cause you have to be black to do that." omg. it was so funny. the way the four year old mind works things out.......anyway....
of course we had to get home and put the thing together
and take it out for a spin. canon rode it all the way to the playground at the back of the neighborhood and had lots of room to ride it around since there are only a couple of half built houses over there and thus no traffic driving through.
we played for less than an hour before deciding it was hot and we were thirsty, so we headed back to the house and decided to have some indoor fun and do an alphabet craft. little ones weilding scissors- look out!
glueing on teeth
A if for Alligator!
and then it was back to business as usual since dinner wasn't going to cook itself and i had three days worth of chicken to tend to. so what's a flying solo mom of 3 to do? take the youngest one and throw him on your back, apron on the front, and looks sassy doing it. that's how i roll.
just ignore those water marks on the mirror though, because i never did manage to roll into the bathroom and actually clean it.
today started with a trip to target. what started as an impromptu errand run for toilet bowl cleaner, turned into us buying canon a bicycle. !!! i tossed the idea back and forth about getting him one now while i know i have the extra money for it, or making him wait till christmas, and decided to just do it now. i feel so bad for him everytime the other boys on the street are riding his bikes and he is stuck with the little tricycle he's had since he was two. so now he has a big boy bike, in all it's Lightening McQueen glory.
oh! funny little side note: after target, we went out to eat at Louie's and C saw these posters and said, "see. you have to be black to do that. the white one isn't doing it. the black man is cause you have to be black to do that." omg. it was so funny. the way the four year old mind works things out.......anyway....
of course we had to get home and put the thing together
and take it out for a spin. canon rode it all the way to the playground at the back of the neighborhood and had lots of room to ride it around since there are only a couple of half built houses over there and thus no traffic driving through.
we played for less than an hour before deciding it was hot and we were thirsty, so we headed back to the house and decided to have some indoor fun and do an alphabet craft. little ones weilding scissors- look out!
glueing on teeth
A if for Alligator!
and then it was back to business as usual since dinner wasn't going to cook itself and i had three days worth of chicken to tend to. so what's a flying solo mom of 3 to do? take the youngest one and throw him on your back, apron on the front, and looks sassy doing it. that's how i roll.
just ignore those water marks on the mirror though, because i never did manage to roll into the bathroom and actually clean it.
trying to "live the live" without the Life.
I try to keep it under wraps that I struggle quite a bit with my temper. So often I catch myself missing beautiful moments with my children because I'm so wound up about something that there is no point getting that upset over. Does it ever solve anything to blow my top and explode about anything? Maybe this is a learned behaviour? I remember my mom flipping out on me over things that I thought weren't that big of a deal, and now here I am acting the same way. What really cuts me to the quick, is that more and more I'm seeing my oldest son, Canon, getting extremely frustrated and upset over little things in the blink of an eye. I constantly scold myself that I am setting him an example as to how one should respond to disappointment or frustration, and the one I am setting isn't so great. I feel like a drill sgt some days, constantly barking at my kids and I hate it. Every day I get up and say that today is going to be different. "Today I am going to be patient and kind." Good goal. There's just one problem: I am always trying to accomplish this through my own sheer will and flesh. Just trying to hold tight and white-knuckle my way through as my pastor put it on Sunday. Every day I inevitably fail because I'm not being changed supernaturally, I'm just bottling up the frustration and then shooting off about half way through the day. Why am I not cracking open my Bible more often? Why am I not continuously in prayer about this? It isn't just a parenting problem, it's a worship problem. It's a problem with my witness. I have my own children's ministry of my very own and I'm just not giving 100% because I'm not ever asking Jesus to fill me up before I try to pour out. How can I pour out something that isn't there to begin with?
I desperately need more of Jesus in my life. Not just in my life in general, but right here, right now, in this very moment.
I'm grabbing my bible and heading outside. My two older young'uns are running around in the backyard with bubbles and water guns and all manner of fun and I want to be present with them in these moments. This is one of the big reasons why I stay home, after all, is so that I can experience all the little joys with them. So I'm going to go read my Bible with the laughter of children as the soundtrack to my afternoon. I want to soak up every wise and beautiful thing that Jesus is, so that I can better pour Him out and into others.
I desperately need more of Jesus in my life. Not just in my life in general, but right here, right now, in this very moment.
I'm grabbing my bible and heading outside. My two older young'uns are running around in the backyard with bubbles and water guns and all manner of fun and I want to be present with them in these moments. This is one of the big reasons why I stay home, after all, is so that I can experience all the little joys with them. So I'm going to go read my Bible with the laughter of children as the soundtrack to my afternoon. I want to soak up every wise and beautiful thing that Jesus is, so that I can better pour Him out and into others.
living life on mission
So, yesterday at church we were talking about not "if" but "when" persecution comes your way, what do you do. This "not if but when" lesson is not one that has been lost on me. I think it first came to light in my mind when I was in middle school or high school that if you are truly living for Jesus and on mission with him, that people, even other christians, will think you are crazy and do things to come against you. I feel like I need to start offending people more. lol. Not that I want to go out specifically trying to be some abrasive jerk, but that I need to be pursuing more, risking more, being more open.
Something that our church is wanting to do, is to have ten community centers planted in lost neighborhoods throughout the city, and to have a group of people dedicated to worshipping at that center and doing outreach there for a year at a time. This is what I want to do. I don't know that I have the experience to be a leader of a center, though what do I know. How much experience did Moses have when God sent him up against Pharaoh? But I at least want to be on a team of people dedicated to a center. In fact, nearly a year ago, a seed of idea was planted within me about people who purposefully move to "bad" neighborhoods in inner cities to be a witness for Christ there. When I first heard about this I immediately thought, "There's no way I'd do that with three small kids. Heck no." But God has steadily been working on my heart and what once I knee-jerk rejected, I now have as a heart's desire. Since about third or fourth grade I have wanted to be a missionary, but I had always assumed that that meant forgein missions. I don't know why it never dawned on me before, but I can be a missionary right here to my own city!
For months now I've been browsing realtor.com looking at inner city homes for sale. My parents, who live in a house that is worth between 250K and 300K in the Putnam City North school district, think that I am completely insane for wanting to move deeper into the city. Heck, they think NW 23rd St. and May Ave. is "ghetto". They obviously don't get around much. (For anyone who does NOT live in Oklahoma, a 300K house here is a really nice place in a nice neighborhood. ) I love them, and I love their house. It's been awesome that me and the boys have had plenty of room while we've been staying here waiting for the mice situation in our own house to be resolved, but I just don't feel like their lifestyle is the one I'm supposed to be pursuing right now.
How do you live life on mission? Or do you at all? Would you jump at the chance to go on an adventure with Jesus, or do you think moving from the safe suburbs to an inner city neighborhood is crazy?
Something that our church is wanting to do, is to have ten community centers planted in lost neighborhoods throughout the city, and to have a group of people dedicated to worshipping at that center and doing outreach there for a year at a time. This is what I want to do. I don't know that I have the experience to be a leader of a center, though what do I know. How much experience did Moses have when God sent him up against Pharaoh? But I at least want to be on a team of people dedicated to a center. In fact, nearly a year ago, a seed of idea was planted within me about people who purposefully move to "bad" neighborhoods in inner cities to be a witness for Christ there. When I first heard about this I immediately thought, "There's no way I'd do that with three small kids. Heck no." But God has steadily been working on my heart and what once I knee-jerk rejected, I now have as a heart's desire. Since about third or fourth grade I have wanted to be a missionary, but I had always assumed that that meant forgein missions. I don't know why it never dawned on me before, but I can be a missionary right here to my own city!
For months now I've been browsing realtor.com looking at inner city homes for sale. My parents, who live in a house that is worth between 250K and 300K in the Putnam City North school district, think that I am completely insane for wanting to move deeper into the city. Heck, they think NW 23rd St. and May Ave. is "ghetto". They obviously don't get around much. (For anyone who does NOT live in Oklahoma, a 300K house here is a really nice place in a nice neighborhood. ) I love them, and I love their house. It's been awesome that me and the boys have had plenty of room while we've been staying here waiting for the mice situation in our own house to be resolved, but I just don't feel like their lifestyle is the one I'm supposed to be pursuing right now.
How do you live life on mission? Or do you at all? Would you jump at the chance to go on an adventure with Jesus, or do you think moving from the safe suburbs to an inner city neighborhood is crazy?
mice.
Tuesday before last Doyle woke up crying about fifteen after five in the morning. In my half-asleep stupor I thought I heard scratching coming from inside one of the walls in my bedroom. It soon stopped and I figured it was probably my DVR box doing something and my sleepy imagination was playing tricks on me. Two night later I was woken up by the scratching sound, again, just past five a.m. This time I popped up wide awake and listened. I walked over to the wall just to make sure and yes, there was most definitely some thing inside the wall.
I proceeded to panic.
I immediately started packing up a suitcase throwing all the clean clothes I could find of mine and the kids inside. When the clock finally hit six a.m I called my mom who I knew would be sympathetic to my plight as she is also afraid of mice. I got the okay from her to come on over, so I woke up the kids, got them dressed as quickly as possible and high-tailed it to my mom's house on the north side of OKC.
Once a more reasonable hour rolled around we called an exterminator and he came out the next day. Right away he started off by saying that this isn't typically the time of year that mice enter houses, that the wall in question would be an unlikely hang out for mice, and that the house itself was sealed up pretty tight against pests, but I knew what I heard so as a last ditched effort he checked the attic and that's where he found them. He said there were dropping everywhere and that they had chewed tunnels all through the insulation. (Insert me shivering with the heeby-jeebies.) He put down multi-feed bait in the attic and in some bait stations around the house, charged me an arm and a leg and said he'd be back to check the bait in three months.
THREE MONTHS!? We spent one night in the house and after being up all night listened to the mice (which as it happens I had been hearing for months, I just didn't realize that was what the noises were) we headed back to my mom's place. My step-dad decided to be a little more proactive and put actual traps up in the attic to help take them out faster, but until I know they are gone, I refuse to go back. It was bad enough when giant spiders started moving in, but I could spray those bad boys with my giant black can o' spider death. But then I found the huge intact snake skin in the backyard, and now the mice.....Why do these things happen when my big strong husband is gone? I think it's that way for military wives everywhere.
What about you? Is there any creepy creature that would make you hit the road if you discovered them in your house?
I proceeded to panic.
I immediately started packing up a suitcase throwing all the clean clothes I could find of mine and the kids inside. When the clock finally hit six a.m I called my mom who I knew would be sympathetic to my plight as she is also afraid of mice. I got the okay from her to come on over, so I woke up the kids, got them dressed as quickly as possible and high-tailed it to my mom's house on the north side of OKC.
Once a more reasonable hour rolled around we called an exterminator and he came out the next day. Right away he started off by saying that this isn't typically the time of year that mice enter houses, that the wall in question would be an unlikely hang out for mice, and that the house itself was sealed up pretty tight against pests, but I knew what I heard so as a last ditched effort he checked the attic and that's where he found them. He said there were dropping everywhere and that they had chewed tunnels all through the insulation. (Insert me shivering with the heeby-jeebies.) He put down multi-feed bait in the attic and in some bait stations around the house, charged me an arm and a leg and said he'd be back to check the bait in three months.
THREE MONTHS!? We spent one night in the house and after being up all night listened to the mice (which as it happens I had been hearing for months, I just didn't realize that was what the noises were) we headed back to my mom's place. My step-dad decided to be a little more proactive and put actual traps up in the attic to help take them out faster, but until I know they are gone, I refuse to go back. It was bad enough when giant spiders started moving in, but I could spray those bad boys with my giant black can o' spider death. But then I found the huge intact snake skin in the backyard, and now the mice.....Why do these things happen when my big strong husband is gone? I think it's that way for military wives everywhere.
What about you? Is there any creepy creature that would make you hit the road if you discovered them in your house?
busy little bees
it crosses my mind nearly every day that I haven't been updating my blog, and yet I never make it over here to do it. So just now when I thought to myself, "Self, it's sure been a while since you blogged anything." I decided to act and blog.
It's been 8 weeks since my husband left for Korea and I've been doing my best to keep the kids and I busy and it seems to be working. We've taken multiple picnic trips to the zoo (note to self: get a zoo membership), spent lots of time at church and at my mom's house, gone to birthday parties, Cuppies and Joe, story times, and logged many an hour just playing outside in our own yard.
Last week we took a trip down to the Earlywine Aquatic Center. While it was a very nice pool, it was EXPENSIVE!! $5 a person for everyone, including my little ten month old equals $20 for me to take the kids to the pool. It was also very crowded. Though a little smalled, Mustang's city pool looks to be equally nice (from what I've seen peeking through the fence) and has the added bonus of being a heck of a lot closer to where we live as well as about half the cost (still $5 a person, but the don't start charging till age 4.) I keep meaning to hit up an OKC sprayground since they are free of charge, but just haven't made it out to one yet.
How do you like to spend your summers? Keeping busy or taking it easy?
It's been 8 weeks since my husband left for Korea and I've been doing my best to keep the kids and I busy and it seems to be working. We've taken multiple picnic trips to the zoo (note to self: get a zoo membership), spent lots of time at church and at my mom's house, gone to birthday parties, Cuppies and Joe, story times, and logged many an hour just playing outside in our own yard.
Last week we took a trip down to the Earlywine Aquatic Center. While it was a very nice pool, it was EXPENSIVE!! $5 a person for everyone, including my little ten month old equals $20 for me to take the kids to the pool. It was also very crowded. Though a little smalled, Mustang's city pool looks to be equally nice (from what I've seen peeking through the fence) and has the added bonus of being a heck of a lot closer to where we live as well as about half the cost (still $5 a person, but the don't start charging till age 4.) I keep meaning to hit up an OKC sprayground since they are free of charge, but just haven't made it out to one yet.
How do you like to spend your summers? Keeping busy or taking it easy?
conviction
Lord Jesus forgive me, I feel like I am finally developing a true hunger for Christ and His presence and to be intimate with Him and do His work. For several years I've been saying that I wanted to get back to a strong place in my walk. In my head I knew that that was what I should be pursuing, but I just didn't feel that hunger within my heart. I guess I was too comfortable being, well, comfortable. However, Christ doesn't call us to be comfortable. Living as merely a spectator in a pew on Sunday mornings doesn't stir one's soul. It doesn't satisfy. I did manage in that time to get myself back into church, but it was just the same old messages that I've heard my entire life that always boil down to being a good person. You know, pay your tithe, be polite to your co-workers, don't curse, don't cheat on your spouse, etc....and while all of those things are good things to go by, there is just so much more to being a Christian than merely being a good person.
I always really felt like there just had to be more to it. There had to be more to this whole 'living for Jesus' thing than wearing WWJD? bracelets and listening to Charlie Hall cd's. There should be risk, there should be adventure, it should be something radical. It should truly change you. Change who you are at your very core.
So today I was reading along in Matthew and got to the part at the end of chapter 6 where Jesus is talking about God clothing the grass of the field with flowers and aren't we more important than grass. Growing up in church I've heard these verses about a million times, but glory to God how He makes all things fresh and new! Tonight it just really struck me how much time I have spent thinking about clothes. Typical girl, especially with planning a vow renewal I've been looking at clothes and thinking about clothes a LOT lately. To be completely honest, back when I went to Burn at Shekinah last month I had a really hard time getting in to the worship. I saw all these other people just totally feeling the presence of God and I just didn't. Right then the Holy Spirit convicted me and said, "You spent more time preparing your outward appearance than you did preparing your heart to be with me. You wasted time on choosing 'the perfect outfit' for a social gathering when you should have been preparing your heart to be in my presence." Consequently, His presence was withheld from me that night and it was heartbreaking. Being disciplined by the Holy Spirit is never an enjoyable feeling. And yet what did I do? The next morning I walked right along on the same path and never made a change.
Tonight I could feel God telling me "You feel empty. I can make you full. Turn off the TV and open your Bible. You are never going to find the wholeness you are searching for on that TV. Open my word." I resisted it at first, but thank God for His persistance. Thank You, Lord, that You never give up on me.
So I read and first came across Matt. 5:47 "And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?" Instantly my mind flooded with Hope for the Hopeless. Hope for the Hopeless is a bible study at Frontline that my friend Josh Kidd leads that is geared towards all the punk rock, hardcore, goth, etc. people. I went week before last and had made up my mind that I wouldn't return because I just wasn't one of those kids anymore and I felt horribly out of place. After reading this verse though, I think I will go back. No, I'm not decked out in crazy clothes and multicolored hair anymore, but just because I'm not and they are doesn't mean that I shouldn't give them the time of day. We are all one body. Isn't the whole point of the bible study to reach out to the counter-culture people living on the fringe? Yes, it is out of my comfort zone- all the more reason to keep going. So that settles it. Tomorrow night I'm returning to the bible study.....and maybe I'll bake some cupcakes or something to bring along.
Bunny trail there- back to the clothes issue. Jesus clearly says that we are not to be all "What shall I wear?" cause God knows that we need clothes. Ouch. There's another zap from the Holy Spirit. I couldn't even tell you how many times I have said "What shall I wear?" or "I have nothing to wear." in the last few weeks. I have spent an insane amount of time online looking at clothes. Time that I could have spent being a good steward of my home by attending to that pile of clean laundry that is over-taking my living room, waiting to be folded and put away. Time that I could have spent reading the word and praying and teaching my kids by example to make those things a priority. In Luke chapter 12 the same story is told and adds, "Sell your possesions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will never fail, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys." Sell your possessions and give to the poor is pretty cut and dry don't you think? Quit stock piling all this expensive crap that you don't really need and put that money towards those who are truly living without. The next part also made me think of women as a whole. Women and purses. It made me think of all the designer handbags out there that women throw down hundreds if not thousands of dollars on. Purses that will eventually wear out or quite possibly be stolen. But if instead you took the hundred, five hundred, or more dollars that you would be shelling out for say, a Coach bag, and gave that to your local rescue mission the purse that you would receive in turn would be one in heaven that would blow that tan bag with the C's all over it out of the water. Now I'm sure that that probably isn't the purse that the writer is referring to. I doubt they had designer handbags back then, but it makes sense here in the modern age, don't you think?
I am here by committing myself to take a break from thinking about clothes. Instead of watching the Style Network and window shopping online, I will read my bible, pray, put on some praise music and worship God. I will avoid magazines and shopping malls and stores. If I absolutely MUST get some new garment (though I can't imagine I would) I will either make it myself or buy used.
It's time to refocus. It's time to stop trying to follow Jesus just a little bit and go all in. It's time to get serious and make the main thing the main thing.
I always really felt like there just had to be more to it. There had to be more to this whole 'living for Jesus' thing than wearing WWJD? bracelets and listening to Charlie Hall cd's. There should be risk, there should be adventure, it should be something radical. It should truly change you. Change who you are at your very core.
So today I was reading along in Matthew and got to the part at the end of chapter 6 where Jesus is talking about God clothing the grass of the field with flowers and aren't we more important than grass. Growing up in church I've heard these verses about a million times, but glory to God how He makes all things fresh and new! Tonight it just really struck me how much time I have spent thinking about clothes. Typical girl, especially with planning a vow renewal I've been looking at clothes and thinking about clothes a LOT lately. To be completely honest, back when I went to Burn at Shekinah last month I had a really hard time getting in to the worship. I saw all these other people just totally feeling the presence of God and I just didn't. Right then the Holy Spirit convicted me and said, "You spent more time preparing your outward appearance than you did preparing your heart to be with me. You wasted time on choosing 'the perfect outfit' for a social gathering when you should have been preparing your heart to be in my presence." Consequently, His presence was withheld from me that night and it was heartbreaking. Being disciplined by the Holy Spirit is never an enjoyable feeling. And yet what did I do? The next morning I walked right along on the same path and never made a change.
Tonight I could feel God telling me "You feel empty. I can make you full. Turn off the TV and open your Bible. You are never going to find the wholeness you are searching for on that TV. Open my word." I resisted it at first, but thank God for His persistance. Thank You, Lord, that You never give up on me.
So I read and first came across Matt. 5:47 "And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?" Instantly my mind flooded with Hope for the Hopeless. Hope for the Hopeless is a bible study at Frontline that my friend Josh Kidd leads that is geared towards all the punk rock, hardcore, goth, etc. people. I went week before last and had made up my mind that I wouldn't return because I just wasn't one of those kids anymore and I felt horribly out of place. After reading this verse though, I think I will go back. No, I'm not decked out in crazy clothes and multicolored hair anymore, but just because I'm not and they are doesn't mean that I shouldn't give them the time of day. We are all one body. Isn't the whole point of the bible study to reach out to the counter-culture people living on the fringe? Yes, it is out of my comfort zone- all the more reason to keep going. So that settles it. Tomorrow night I'm returning to the bible study.....and maybe I'll bake some cupcakes or something to bring along.
Bunny trail there- back to the clothes issue. Jesus clearly says that we are not to be all "What shall I wear?" cause God knows that we need clothes. Ouch. There's another zap from the Holy Spirit. I couldn't even tell you how many times I have said "What shall I wear?" or "I have nothing to wear." in the last few weeks. I have spent an insane amount of time online looking at clothes. Time that I could have spent being a good steward of my home by attending to that pile of clean laundry that is over-taking my living room, waiting to be folded and put away. Time that I could have spent reading the word and praying and teaching my kids by example to make those things a priority. In Luke chapter 12 the same story is told and adds, "Sell your possesions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will never fail, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys." Sell your possessions and give to the poor is pretty cut and dry don't you think? Quit stock piling all this expensive crap that you don't really need and put that money towards those who are truly living without. The next part also made me think of women as a whole. Women and purses. It made me think of all the designer handbags out there that women throw down hundreds if not thousands of dollars on. Purses that will eventually wear out or quite possibly be stolen. But if instead you took the hundred, five hundred, or more dollars that you would be shelling out for say, a Coach bag, and gave that to your local rescue mission the purse that you would receive in turn would be one in heaven that would blow that tan bag with the C's all over it out of the water. Now I'm sure that that probably isn't the purse that the writer is referring to. I doubt they had designer handbags back then, but it makes sense here in the modern age, don't you think?
I am here by committing myself to take a break from thinking about clothes. Instead of watching the Style Network and window shopping online, I will read my bible, pray, put on some praise music and worship God. I will avoid magazines and shopping malls and stores. If I absolutely MUST get some new garment (though I can't imagine I would) I will either make it myself or buy used.
It's time to refocus. It's time to stop trying to follow Jesus just a little bit and go all in. It's time to get serious and make the main thing the main thing.
Hey stomach flu- LEAVE ALREADY!!
It's been a crazy week around here. At least one of my children has thrown up every day for the last seven days. This morning it was the baby puking into my hair. You're gagging, I know. I did too.
The seven days has also been pretty exciting though as my hubby and I have decided to have a wedding ceremony for our anniversary next year. (He'll still be in Korea for this year's anniversary.) Hubs and I just went down to the Oklahoma County Courthouse to get married and only had two friends go with us, with whom we've since lost contact. Being the girly girl that I am, of course I have never given up on my dream of having a wedding with my family there. It's pretty much going to be limited to just family because I have a HUGE family. I'm hispanic. What more need I say? I'm beyond excited at planning this thing. It'll be a nice project to keep me distracted while hubs is overseas as well.
Currently we're just enjoying some down time after running errands all day. It's so nice to just sit on the couch and chill sometimes.
The seven days has also been pretty exciting though as my hubby and I have decided to have a wedding ceremony for our anniversary next year. (He'll still be in Korea for this year's anniversary.) Hubs and I just went down to the Oklahoma County Courthouse to get married and only had two friends go with us, with whom we've since lost contact. Being the girly girl that I am, of course I have never given up on my dream of having a wedding with my family there. It's pretty much going to be limited to just family because I have a HUGE family. I'm hispanic. What more need I say? I'm beyond excited at planning this thing. It'll be a nice project to keep me distracted while hubs is overseas as well.
Currently we're just enjoying some down time after running errands all day. It's so nice to just sit on the couch and chill sometimes.
bills and illness
Can I just say how much I hate bills? I mean, I know they are necessary and that is fine, but as someone who lived in military housing for the bulk of their adult life, it is quite a switch to suddenly have to worry about rent and utilities and lawn care and pest control. Not that we weren't paying for those things before, but we were paying significantly less and it was all taken from hubby's check automatically. It's been a long time since I've had to worry about getting rent paid on time and all of that.
My oldest boy was sick yesterday. He woke up saying he felt sick and that his stomach didn't feel good, but I just figured it was because he was hungry and needed to eat. Next thing I know he's throwing up last night's macaroni and cheese all over the carpet the poor kid. He pretty much laid on the couch all morning and then laid in bed all afternoon. I dragged him out of the house (he said he was feeling better) so I could go pick up a pizza becaues I couldn't find anyone to deliver one out to us, and as soon as we got back inside the house he just laid down on the floor right in the hallway. Tell me that isn't going to break a momma's heart. He ended up throwing up again around midnight and developed a little bit of a fever. I hope he feels better today. It's so unlike my kids to get sick.
My oldest boy was sick yesterday. He woke up saying he felt sick and that his stomach didn't feel good, but I just figured it was because he was hungry and needed to eat. Next thing I know he's throwing up last night's macaroni and cheese all over the carpet the poor kid. He pretty much laid on the couch all morning and then laid in bed all afternoon. I dragged him out of the house (he said he was feeling better) so I could go pick up a pizza becaues I couldn't find anyone to deliver one out to us, and as soon as we got back inside the house he just laid down on the floor right in the hallway. Tell me that isn't going to break a momma's heart. He ended up throwing up again around midnight and developed a little bit of a fever. I hope he feels better today. It's so unlike my kids to get sick.
boasting in the Cross
Though few and far between in this season of life, I enjoy reading in the calm quiet moments during my day. Right now I'm in the middle of reading Don't Waste Your Life by John Piper. In it, Piper talks about boasting in the cross and while I've been a believer since i was a young child, I've never really understood what that phrase meant until reading this book. As Piper explains, it means that you rejoice in the cross. Anything that we as believers are have or experience that is good or that was bad and God turns for good is something undeserved that was bought for us on the cross. We are not deserving of anything other than judgment and condemnation. Every good thing- or bad thing that God turns for good- from work, to sex, to cars, to leisure, to health, and even life is paid for in blood. Litterally every breath, every heart beat is an undeserved gift. Thinking about that while holding my little 9 month old brought tears to my eyes. I just stood there smelling his sweet baby smell and feeling his soft hair and skin against me cheek and cried. I just cried and was so very grateful for the cross, for his blood that paid for that moment, for his blood that paid for this healthy baby in my arms, that paid for this heart beat...and this heart beat...and this heart beat...and each and every breath I heard him breath in and out. The cross is why I had healthy pregnancies and safe births and healthy babies and a good husband and a lovely home. The cross is why I can step outside with my kids and see the joy on their faces as we catch ladybugs in the front yard. The cross is why I can taste the awesome sea scallops at Park Avenue Grill and why I have the ability to eat and digest food at all. The cross is the source of all joy, of all life, and I can never repay it. The awesome thing is, I don't have to repay it. It makes me think of that song by Third Day that says
And I know that you don't realize the fullness of my love
How I died upon the cross for your sins
And I know that you don't realize how much that I give you
But I promise, I would do it all again....
God is just so good. So much better than we deserve. He's not just the best thing. He's the only thing.
And I know that you don't realize the fullness of my love
How I died upon the cross for your sins
And I know that you don't realize how much that I give you
But I promise, I would do it all again....
God is just so good. So much better than we deserve. He's not just the best thing. He's the only thing.
we're busy little bees
tuesday marked one week that my husband has been in korea. he's not really loving it to say the least, but we aren't really loving him being gone either.
sunday we went to church at frontline. we got there just a tad late for the first service, but we all loved it so much we stayed for the second service as well. turns out that i already know someone who goes there and that always makes being in a new place a bit easier. not that it really needed to be made easier because everyone there was so welcoming and friendly. i really loved the message and the worship was great too. we're definitely going back this sunday.
tuesday the young'uns and i packed up a picnic and went to the oklahoma city zoo. man they have done (and are still doing) so much work to the zoo. i always enjoyed the zoo as a kid, but it is just really phenomenal now. i especially love the new Oklahoma Trails area and i can't wait till the new areas for the giraffes and elephants are done. my kids love the new playground of course. i wish i had remembered to take the camera. (i found an old digital camera in a cabinet the other day. it isn't anything great, but at least it's something.)
today the boys and i are meeting my friend Genia and her three boys for lunch at the Arts Festival downtown. i haven't been to the Arts Festival in years. i didn't even have kids yet the last time i went. i'm not even sure if i was with john or not the last time i went. i haven't seen Genia in several years either. ephraim, my second child, was probably doyle's age when i last saw her. she has been such a blessing to me over the years. i am so glad to be back in oklahoma city so we can hang out again.
sunday we went to church at frontline. we got there just a tad late for the first service, but we all loved it so much we stayed for the second service as well. turns out that i already know someone who goes there and that always makes being in a new place a bit easier. not that it really needed to be made easier because everyone there was so welcoming and friendly. i really loved the message and the worship was great too. we're definitely going back this sunday.
tuesday the young'uns and i packed up a picnic and went to the oklahoma city zoo. man they have done (and are still doing) so much work to the zoo. i always enjoyed the zoo as a kid, but it is just really phenomenal now. i especially love the new Oklahoma Trails area and i can't wait till the new areas for the giraffes and elephants are done. my kids love the new playground of course. i wish i had remembered to take the camera. (i found an old digital camera in a cabinet the other day. it isn't anything great, but at least it's something.)
today the boys and i are meeting my friend Genia and her three boys for lunch at the Arts Festival downtown. i haven't been to the Arts Festival in years. i didn't even have kids yet the last time i went. i'm not even sure if i was with john or not the last time i went. i haven't seen Genia in several years either. ephraim, my second child, was probably doyle's age when i last saw her. she has been such a blessing to me over the years. i am so glad to be back in oklahoma city so we can hang out again.
the daily digest
Man. I really miss having a digital camera. So many things happen through out the day that I would just love to snap a picture of and post here and it just KILLS me that I don't have that luxury anymore. Sigh....
Anyway, today I had to go deposit a check and since running a simple errand like going through the bank drive through requires me to get three little ones dressed and pottied/changed and strapped into the car like Nascar drivers, we decided to stay out of the house for a little while to make it worth the effort. we drove around all my favourite inner city neighborhoods (Jefferson Park, Gatewood, Mesta Park, Venice, Putnam Heights, etc...) while we waited for Cuppies and Joe to open. I'm not gonna lie, I was a wee bit terrified when they handed me some very breakable dishes, but it was actually pretty nice. Not super kid friendly, but my kids were hardley the only kids in there. Besides, most places that I would deem "kid-friendly" also tend to be places that are extremely loud, overstimulated and have T.V.'s on every conceivable surface and just....ulch. Those places are not my more favourite haunts. (That's right. I spell favourite with a 'u'. Get over it.) I actually ran into an old acquaintance while I was in there which was lovely.
Afterwards I took the kids to the playground in Jefferson Park, but we didn't stay long because Ephraim had an accident. I knew that would happen and I had a change of clothes for him, so it wasn't any big deal.
I think the kids and I are going to visit Frontline tomorrow for church. I've driven past it several times, but a friend of mine recommended it to me and that always makes me want to give somewhere a shot more than just checking out a cool website. (But don't stop with the cool websites. I like them, too.)
Anyway, today I had to go deposit a check and since running a simple errand like going through the bank drive through requires me to get three little ones dressed and pottied/changed and strapped into the car like Nascar drivers, we decided to stay out of the house for a little while to make it worth the effort. we drove around all my favourite inner city neighborhoods (Jefferson Park, Gatewood, Mesta Park, Venice, Putnam Heights, etc...) while we waited for Cuppies and Joe to open. I'm not gonna lie, I was a wee bit terrified when they handed me some very breakable dishes, but it was actually pretty nice. Not super kid friendly, but my kids were hardley the only kids in there. Besides, most places that I would deem "kid-friendly" also tend to be places that are extremely loud, overstimulated and have T.V.'s on every conceivable surface and just....ulch. Those places are not my more favourite haunts. (That's right. I spell favourite with a 'u'. Get over it.) I actually ran into an old acquaintance while I was in there which was lovely.
Afterwards I took the kids to the playground in Jefferson Park, but we didn't stay long because Ephraim had an accident. I knew that would happen and I had a change of clothes for him, so it wasn't any big deal.
I think the kids and I are going to visit Frontline tomorrow for church. I've driven past it several times, but a friend of mine recommended it to me and that always makes me want to give somewhere a shot more than just checking out a cool website. (But don't stop with the cool websites. I like them, too.)
i love this song.
look out if you are driving anywhere near me while this song is on because i will be blubbering like girl and won't be able to see the road. (btw- this isn't who actually sing this song. it's just some girls who also like the song. i just like how intimate it is compared to the actual band singing it on a stage.)
Why are you striving these day?
Why are you still trying to earn grace?
Why are you crying?
Let me lift up your face.
Just don't turn away.
Why are you still looking for love?
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?
To where will you go child?
Tell me where will you run.
To where will you run?
And I'll be by your side
Where ever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call and
Please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
Look at these hands and my side
They swallowd the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life
And I'll be by your side
Where ever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call and
Please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
that I, I love you
I'll never let you go
And I'll be by your side
Where ever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call and
Please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
Why are you still trying to earn grace?
Why are you crying?
Let me lift up your face.
Just don't turn away.
Why are you still looking for love?
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?
To where will you go child?
Tell me where will you run.
To where will you run?
And I'll be by your side
Where ever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call and
Please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
Look at these hands and my side
They swallowd the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life
And I'll be by your side
Where ever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call and
Please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
that I, I love you
I'll never let you go
And I'll be by your side
Where ever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call and
Please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
resisting the urge to run ahead
Aren't we as little children? We are constantly not listening, trying to run all around on our own. We dash forward and jump on and off the pasth, instead of quietly walking with God listening for His instructions on what to do next. Very often my three year old say, "I don't want to hold your hand. I want to walk on my own." Isn't that just the way we are with God? Forever trying to do everything ourselves and following our own ideas instead of listening to a loving someone who knows better.
I feel so restless in my spirit. I need to learn how to be still and walk with God, following his instructions. I need to not only pray more, but listen more.
I feel so restless in my spirit. I need to learn how to be still and walk with God, following his instructions. I need to not only pray more, but listen more.
wasting away
Only one life
Twill soon be past;
Only what's done
for Christ will last.
i am and have been wasting my life. i've let all the passion and joy i had for the Lord slip away and have become complacent in so many thing. i've become materialistic and lazy. i haven't been cultivating relationships with people or reaching out to others. i am always talking about "my faith", but doesn't faith involve risk? i am risking nothing these days. i don't want to live this way anymore. i want to be among people. i want to really know people and i want to be known. i want to have real friends and not just memories of ones i had in the past. i want to be involved and to contribute to my community. when did i let myself become so jaded? i want to put myself and my heart on the line for people again. i want to make myself vulnerable. i want to take risks. i want to love dangerously.
i've been living in a bubble and it's high time for that bubble to pop. i don't want to waste my life.
Twill soon be past;
Only what's done
for Christ will last.
i am and have been wasting my life. i've let all the passion and joy i had for the Lord slip away and have become complacent in so many thing. i've become materialistic and lazy. i haven't been cultivating relationships with people or reaching out to others. i am always talking about "my faith", but doesn't faith involve risk? i am risking nothing these days. i don't want to live this way anymore. i want to be among people. i want to really know people and i want to be known. i want to have real friends and not just memories of ones i had in the past. i want to be involved and to contribute to my community. when did i let myself become so jaded? i want to put myself and my heart on the line for people again. i want to make myself vulnerable. i want to take risks. i want to love dangerously.
i've been living in a bubble and it's high time for that bubble to pop. i don't want to waste my life.
feeling blue
i am missing the husband today. he told me he would call when he got there and he should definitely be there by now, but i still haven't heard from him. no news is good news in the army, but it would still be nice to hear from him.
i took out the young'uns to go grocery shopping cause we NEEDED to go. let me just tell you if you didn't already know- grocery shopping with three rambuncious kids under the age of five (one of whom is potty training) is not an experience for those with weak nerves. we had a potty accident AND the baby bit me while on my back in the mei tai before we made it out the door with the food. we got the food in and put away and i promptly sent the older ones to play in their room while i mixed myself a rum and coke. now, i'm not a big drinker at all these days (years of pregnancy and breastfeeding induced sobriety will do that to a gal), but sometimes you need something to take the edge off. right now they are both in canon's room which is the smallest room in the house and they are having a conversation about Larry Boy, but it's AT THIS VOLUME RIGHT HERE.
you know, i just realized i haven't had anything to eat today. maybe that's why i'm taking everything a little harder than normal. off to devour something...
i took out the young'uns to go grocery shopping cause we NEEDED to go. let me just tell you if you didn't already know- grocery shopping with three rambuncious kids under the age of five (one of whom is potty training) is not an experience for those with weak nerves. we had a potty accident AND the baby bit me while on my back in the mei tai before we made it out the door with the food. we got the food in and put away and i promptly sent the older ones to play in their room while i mixed myself a rum and coke. now, i'm not a big drinker at all these days (years of pregnancy and breastfeeding induced sobriety will do that to a gal), but sometimes you need something to take the edge off. right now they are both in canon's room which is the smallest room in the house and they are having a conversation about Larry Boy, but it's AT THIS VOLUME RIGHT HERE.
you know, i just realized i haven't had anything to eat today. maybe that's why i'm taking everything a little harder than normal. off to devour something...
day one...
so the husband left this morning. yesterday i made mention of it being daddy's last day before he leaves for korea and my sweet little three year old said in a very quiet voice, "i want to go with daaaddyyyyyy..."and started to cry. he ran straight for the hubs and just kept saying "but i want to go with you....i want to stay with you...." i caught myself starting to tear up and had to really work at holding it together. especially when i caught the husband sniffling as well. he NEVER cries. i think i can recall maybe twice in the nearly 6 years we've been together him crying. how could you not cry though when this little child so desperate to keep you and you have to go away for so long?
after that little scene played out, we decided it'd be better for my mother-in-law to take hubs to the airport instead of me waking up the kids and us taking him. i've caught myself every now and then today getting that heavy feeling in my chest, but each time i just take a deep breathe, blow it out and tell myself that i don't need to be strong for the next 365 days, i just need to keep it together for today. i'm just going to focus on today. it is definitely helping that after days of cold rainy weather, God is blessing us with a beautiful, warm, sunny day.
besides, who has time to mope when all these little faces are shining around you?
rambly catch-up post.
man alive! i have neglected you poor little blog. what can i say? i've been a faithful livejournal-er for... wow....over 6 years now. you didn't hear or see it, but i just sighed deeply. to think of where i was 6 years ago, it seems like a lifetime ago. i'm pretty glad i'm not that liquered-up, glittered-up dance-into-the-wee-hours idiot anymore....well, i do miss dancing, but when you've got three extrememly active, extremely loud children under the age of five you're lucky to be up past ten p.m.
so i am no longer a denizen of Lawton and it feels fan.tastic. "technically" i am living in oklahoma city, though if i crossed the street i would be in Mustang. who knows how long we will stay in this house. hubs is wanting to leave the army when his contract ends in nov of next year, and we've always wanted to live deeper into the city. in fact, when hubs and i first met he was living over near the paseo. i really have always felt that God was leading us towards homeschooling, and the schools in okc were really my only reservation in regaurds to moving there. however, hubs still has to find a civilian job to work post-army, and that will dictate quite a bit when it comes to where and when to move.
speaking of hubs and the army- he is leaving in just a few days to go to Korea for 12 months. i know i will miss him desperately, but every time i start to get to feeling blue i remind myself that God is the one who is my rock, the one who sustains me. hubs is just a bonus. the Lord gives, and the Lord takes. blessed be the name of the Lord.
with the combo of a move along with a husband a world away, i really need to find a hobby...well, i suppose i can revist knitting. i knitted quite a bit while he was in iraq, but then i was always knitting wool diaper covers, which i don't need anymore because we use pocket diapers now. i have been wanting to knit some things from Mason-Dixon Knitting for our home though. i'll have to look for that book. i've also been dying to buy a hula hoop. not one of those flimsy plastic toy ones that you find in target or wal-mart, but an adult hoop. they are bigger and heavier, and thus easier to keep up because they revolve more slowly. what i *really* need to find is a church. being that i used to live in Mustang, i could always go back to the church that i went to when i was growing up here, but honestly i don't want to go to a church that is safely in a suburb bubble. i want to go somewhere that is engaging in fighting for social justice. a church where people can be raw and real and open, not where you feel like you have to put on a mask that you are someone who has all your ducks in a row when you're really hurting on the inside.
i need friends.
hubs is taking the two older young'uns to an OKC Thunder game tonite, so it will be just me and baby Doyle tonite. he has been UBER cranky the last few days. i thought maybe it was just being overstimulated by Disney World (we just got home wednesday), but it hasn't seemed to have worn off. teething perhaps?
welp, i'm off to look around etsy for accessories...or perhaps ravelry for patterns...or puruse blogs....or something completely unproductive...
so i am no longer a denizen of Lawton and it feels fan.tastic. "technically" i am living in oklahoma city, though if i crossed the street i would be in Mustang. who knows how long we will stay in this house. hubs is wanting to leave the army when his contract ends in nov of next year, and we've always wanted to live deeper into the city. in fact, when hubs and i first met he was living over near the paseo. i really have always felt that God was leading us towards homeschooling, and the schools in okc were really my only reservation in regaurds to moving there. however, hubs still has to find a civilian job to work post-army, and that will dictate quite a bit when it comes to where and when to move.
speaking of hubs and the army- he is leaving in just a few days to go to Korea for 12 months. i know i will miss him desperately, but every time i start to get to feeling blue i remind myself that God is the one who is my rock, the one who sustains me. hubs is just a bonus. the Lord gives, and the Lord takes. blessed be the name of the Lord.
with the combo of a move along with a husband a world away, i really need to find a hobby...well, i suppose i can revist knitting. i knitted quite a bit while he was in iraq, but then i was always knitting wool diaper covers, which i don't need anymore because we use pocket diapers now. i have been wanting to knit some things from Mason-Dixon Knitting for our home though. i'll have to look for that book. i've also been dying to buy a hula hoop. not one of those flimsy plastic toy ones that you find in target or wal-mart, but an adult hoop. they are bigger and heavier, and thus easier to keep up because they revolve more slowly. what i *really* need to find is a church. being that i used to live in Mustang, i could always go back to the church that i went to when i was growing up here, but honestly i don't want to go to a church that is safely in a suburb bubble. i want to go somewhere that is engaging in fighting for social justice. a church where people can be raw and real and open, not where you feel like you have to put on a mask that you are someone who has all your ducks in a row when you're really hurting on the inside.
i need friends.
hubs is taking the two older young'uns to an OKC Thunder game tonite, so it will be just me and baby Doyle tonite. he has been UBER cranky the last few days. i thought maybe it was just being overstimulated by Disney World (we just got home wednesday), but it hasn't seemed to have worn off. teething perhaps?
welp, i'm off to look around etsy for accessories...or perhaps ravelry for patterns...or puruse blogs....or something completely unproductive...
