Aren't we as little children? We are constantly not listening, trying to run all around on our own. We dash forward and jump on and off the pasth, instead of quietly walking with God listening for His instructions on what to do next. Very often my three year old say, "I don't want to hold your hand. I want to walk on my own." Isn't that just the way we are with God? Forever trying to do everything ourselves and following our own ideas instead of listening to a loving someone who knows better.
I feel so restless in my spirit. I need to learn how to be still and walk with God, following his instructions. I need to not only pray more, but listen more.
wasting away
Only one life
Twill soon be past;
Only what's done
for Christ will last.
i am and have been wasting my life. i've let all the passion and joy i had for the Lord slip away and have become complacent in so many thing. i've become materialistic and lazy. i haven't been cultivating relationships with people or reaching out to others. i am always talking about "my faith", but doesn't faith involve risk? i am risking nothing these days. i don't want to live this way anymore. i want to be among people. i want to really know people and i want to be known. i want to have real friends and not just memories of ones i had in the past. i want to be involved and to contribute to my community. when did i let myself become so jaded? i want to put myself and my heart on the line for people again. i want to make myself vulnerable. i want to take risks. i want to love dangerously.
i've been living in a bubble and it's high time for that bubble to pop. i don't want to waste my life.
Twill soon be past;
Only what's done
for Christ will last.
i am and have been wasting my life. i've let all the passion and joy i had for the Lord slip away and have become complacent in so many thing. i've become materialistic and lazy. i haven't been cultivating relationships with people or reaching out to others. i am always talking about "my faith", but doesn't faith involve risk? i am risking nothing these days. i don't want to live this way anymore. i want to be among people. i want to really know people and i want to be known. i want to have real friends and not just memories of ones i had in the past. i want to be involved and to contribute to my community. when did i let myself become so jaded? i want to put myself and my heart on the line for people again. i want to make myself vulnerable. i want to take risks. i want to love dangerously.
i've been living in a bubble and it's high time for that bubble to pop. i don't want to waste my life.
feeling blue
i am missing the husband today. he told me he would call when he got there and he should definitely be there by now, but i still haven't heard from him. no news is good news in the army, but it would still be nice to hear from him.
i took out the young'uns to go grocery shopping cause we NEEDED to go. let me just tell you if you didn't already know- grocery shopping with three rambuncious kids under the age of five (one of whom is potty training) is not an experience for those with weak nerves. we had a potty accident AND the baby bit me while on my back in the mei tai before we made it out the door with the food. we got the food in and put away and i promptly sent the older ones to play in their room while i mixed myself a rum and coke. now, i'm not a big drinker at all these days (years of pregnancy and breastfeeding induced sobriety will do that to a gal), but sometimes you need something to take the edge off. right now they are both in canon's room which is the smallest room in the house and they are having a conversation about Larry Boy, but it's AT THIS VOLUME RIGHT HERE.
you know, i just realized i haven't had anything to eat today. maybe that's why i'm taking everything a little harder than normal. off to devour something...
i took out the young'uns to go grocery shopping cause we NEEDED to go. let me just tell you if you didn't already know- grocery shopping with three rambuncious kids under the age of five (one of whom is potty training) is not an experience for those with weak nerves. we had a potty accident AND the baby bit me while on my back in the mei tai before we made it out the door with the food. we got the food in and put away and i promptly sent the older ones to play in their room while i mixed myself a rum and coke. now, i'm not a big drinker at all these days (years of pregnancy and breastfeeding induced sobriety will do that to a gal), but sometimes you need something to take the edge off. right now they are both in canon's room which is the smallest room in the house and they are having a conversation about Larry Boy, but it's AT THIS VOLUME RIGHT HERE.
you know, i just realized i haven't had anything to eat today. maybe that's why i'm taking everything a little harder than normal. off to devour something...
day one...
so the husband left this morning. yesterday i made mention of it being daddy's last day before he leaves for korea and my sweet little three year old said in a very quiet voice, "i want to go with daaaddyyyyyy..."and started to cry. he ran straight for the hubs and just kept saying "but i want to go with you....i want to stay with you...." i caught myself starting to tear up and had to really work at holding it together. especially when i caught the husband sniffling as well. he NEVER cries. i think i can recall maybe twice in the nearly 6 years we've been together him crying. how could you not cry though when this little child so desperate to keep you and you have to go away for so long?
after that little scene played out, we decided it'd be better for my mother-in-law to take hubs to the airport instead of me waking up the kids and us taking him. i've caught myself every now and then today getting that heavy feeling in my chest, but each time i just take a deep breathe, blow it out and tell myself that i don't need to be strong for the next 365 days, i just need to keep it together for today. i'm just going to focus on today. it is definitely helping that after days of cold rainy weather, God is blessing us with a beautiful, warm, sunny day.
besides, who has time to mope when all these little faces are shining around you?
rambly catch-up post.
man alive! i have neglected you poor little blog. what can i say? i've been a faithful livejournal-er for... wow....over 6 years now. you didn't hear or see it, but i just sighed deeply. to think of where i was 6 years ago, it seems like a lifetime ago. i'm pretty glad i'm not that liquered-up, glittered-up dance-into-the-wee-hours idiot anymore....well, i do miss dancing, but when you've got three extrememly active, extremely loud children under the age of five you're lucky to be up past ten p.m.
so i am no longer a denizen of Lawton and it feels fan.tastic. "technically" i am living in oklahoma city, though if i crossed the street i would be in Mustang. who knows how long we will stay in this house. hubs is wanting to leave the army when his contract ends in nov of next year, and we've always wanted to live deeper into the city. in fact, when hubs and i first met he was living over near the paseo. i really have always felt that God was leading us towards homeschooling, and the schools in okc were really my only reservation in regaurds to moving there. however, hubs still has to find a civilian job to work post-army, and that will dictate quite a bit when it comes to where and when to move.
speaking of hubs and the army- he is leaving in just a few days to go to Korea for 12 months. i know i will miss him desperately, but every time i start to get to feeling blue i remind myself that God is the one who is my rock, the one who sustains me. hubs is just a bonus. the Lord gives, and the Lord takes. blessed be the name of the Lord.
with the combo of a move along with a husband a world away, i really need to find a hobby...well, i suppose i can revist knitting. i knitted quite a bit while he was in iraq, but then i was always knitting wool diaper covers, which i don't need anymore because we use pocket diapers now. i have been wanting to knit some things from Mason-Dixon Knitting for our home though. i'll have to look for that book. i've also been dying to buy a hula hoop. not one of those flimsy plastic toy ones that you find in target or wal-mart, but an adult hoop. they are bigger and heavier, and thus easier to keep up because they revolve more slowly. what i *really* need to find is a church. being that i used to live in Mustang, i could always go back to the church that i went to when i was growing up here, but honestly i don't want to go to a church that is safely in a suburb bubble. i want to go somewhere that is engaging in fighting for social justice. a church where people can be raw and real and open, not where you feel like you have to put on a mask that you are someone who has all your ducks in a row when you're really hurting on the inside.
i need friends.
hubs is taking the two older young'uns to an OKC Thunder game tonite, so it will be just me and baby Doyle tonite. he has been UBER cranky the last few days. i thought maybe it was just being overstimulated by Disney World (we just got home wednesday), but it hasn't seemed to have worn off. teething perhaps?
welp, i'm off to look around etsy for accessories...or perhaps ravelry for patterns...or puruse blogs....or something completely unproductive...
so i am no longer a denizen of Lawton and it feels fan.tastic. "technically" i am living in oklahoma city, though if i crossed the street i would be in Mustang. who knows how long we will stay in this house. hubs is wanting to leave the army when his contract ends in nov of next year, and we've always wanted to live deeper into the city. in fact, when hubs and i first met he was living over near the paseo. i really have always felt that God was leading us towards homeschooling, and the schools in okc were really my only reservation in regaurds to moving there. however, hubs still has to find a civilian job to work post-army, and that will dictate quite a bit when it comes to where and when to move.
speaking of hubs and the army- he is leaving in just a few days to go to Korea for 12 months. i know i will miss him desperately, but every time i start to get to feeling blue i remind myself that God is the one who is my rock, the one who sustains me. hubs is just a bonus. the Lord gives, and the Lord takes. blessed be the name of the Lord.
with the combo of a move along with a husband a world away, i really need to find a hobby...well, i suppose i can revist knitting. i knitted quite a bit while he was in iraq, but then i was always knitting wool diaper covers, which i don't need anymore because we use pocket diapers now. i have been wanting to knit some things from Mason-Dixon Knitting for our home though. i'll have to look for that book. i've also been dying to buy a hula hoop. not one of those flimsy plastic toy ones that you find in target or wal-mart, but an adult hoop. they are bigger and heavier, and thus easier to keep up because they revolve more slowly. what i *really* need to find is a church. being that i used to live in Mustang, i could always go back to the church that i went to when i was growing up here, but honestly i don't want to go to a church that is safely in a suburb bubble. i want to go somewhere that is engaging in fighting for social justice. a church where people can be raw and real and open, not where you feel like you have to put on a mask that you are someone who has all your ducks in a row when you're really hurting on the inside.
i need friends.
hubs is taking the two older young'uns to an OKC Thunder game tonite, so it will be just me and baby Doyle tonite. he has been UBER cranky the last few days. i thought maybe it was just being overstimulated by Disney World (we just got home wednesday), but it hasn't seemed to have worn off. teething perhaps?
welp, i'm off to look around etsy for accessories...or perhaps ravelry for patterns...or puruse blogs....or something completely unproductive...
growing old so young
i think i might have to surrender to the fact that no longer am i hip/quirky/artsy/off-beat/edgy/etc. i don't go to thrift stores anymore because i don't have the time to look through all the stuff without constantly saying "stop touching that!" "quit hitting him!" "put that down!" "get back over here!". i no longer feel like i have the power to "pull things off" so to speak when it comes to clothing and/or accessories as i once did. i have no idea what is going on in music today or what bands i like or even what style of music i like because i never have time to just listen to music. or read (see previous post). i don't go to shows or museums or galleries or festivals. i no longer am dressing in finds from thrift stores and flea markets and vintage shops. i'm wearing jeans and vneck sweater from old navy for crying out loud! there was a time that i would never EVER have worn something from old navy. i haven't sewn myself a skirt or a dress in years.
when did i become so dang dull? yes, i'd like to grow up and be an adult. i don't want to be stuck at age 19/20 for my entire life, but how did i let myself become someone i said i would never be?
when did i become so dang dull? yes, i'd like to grow up and be an adult. i don't want to be stuck at age 19/20 for my entire life, but how did i let myself become someone i said i would never be?
summer of 2004
i think aside from the aesthetic aspect of it, is that i truly love where i live. i love everything about oklahoma. yes, i live next to a railroad track across the street from a pasture full of cows, but there really is so much more to oklahoma than cowboys and indians. i feel like i have been living in a tunnel from a few years, but now that i'm back in the great state of OK, i fully intend to take advantage of all the antique shops and festivals, not just me, but for my kids as well. there is so much out there that i would love for them to see and experience- all the different arts festivals and cultural festivals. i want to instill in them that sense of pride for you state and all the different types of people in it. all kinds of people from the society folks to the inner city folks, farmers to drag queens, and all the people inbetween. i also want them to feel like something like 'growing up' and becoming 'responsible' doesn't necissarily mean that you have to lose your whole identity.
i think having this fresh new start is the perfect time to reinvent myself. get back to the person that God truly created me to be, someone who was quirky, but not wild, and loved to serve others and learn about and from others. now all that's left to do is to get us out there!
count to 10...
So, ever since I was a child I can remember people saying things about counting to ten when you are stressed or about to lose your temper and I never really "got" it until I had children....at least two of them anyway as my oldest, Canon, was such a breeze of a baby that I often wondered what all the fuss was about when people would talk about how hard having a baby was. Now that I am a mother of three, all boys (God apparently believes in me more than I do!), I certainly understand the benefits of taking a moment to count to ten before reacting to people or things. I still raise my voice much more than I'd care to admit, but the counting definitely helps.
This past week my husband, John, has been "in the field" and it has been so trying. It's hardley the longest we've ever been apart- he spent July of 2006- October 2007 in Iraq- but, these days I'm used to having him around. It didn't help that this week has been the coldest week we've experienced so far, and that along with the mighty Oklahoma winds has made the task of going out with two small children and a baby more work than it's worth. This week has also been a little preview of what is to come next year when John goes to Korea for a year. The good thing about it being for such a long amount of time is three fold: 1.)I can move up to the Oklahoma City area, which is closer to family and there are much more things to do. 2.)We will have a little extra income that will enable us to be completely debt free by the time his enlistment is up in '10, and 3.)when it is such a long amount of time, you have time to get used to doing it on your own. Something I noticed when he was in Iraq was that the evening witching hour seemed to disappear. I no longer watched the clock like hawk waiting for someone to come home and save me at the end of the day, because there wasn't anyone coming home. You can't complain about no one else picking up the slack when it's just you. Of course, I'm never going to choose being away from my husband over being with him, and I will miss him terribly and I'm not looking forward to him being gone, but I refuse to mope and be all doom and gloom about it.
This past week my husband, John, has been "in the field" and it has been so trying. It's hardley the longest we've ever been apart- he spent July of 2006- October 2007 in Iraq- but, these days I'm used to having him around. It didn't help that this week has been the coldest week we've experienced so far, and that along with the mighty Oklahoma winds has made the task of going out with two small children and a baby more work than it's worth. This week has also been a little preview of what is to come next year when John goes to Korea for a year. The good thing about it being for such a long amount of time is three fold: 1.)I can move up to the Oklahoma City area, which is closer to family and there are much more things to do. 2.)We will have a little extra income that will enable us to be completely debt free by the time his enlistment is up in '10, and 3.)when it is such a long amount of time, you have time to get used to doing it on your own. Something I noticed when he was in Iraq was that the evening witching hour seemed to disappear. I no longer watched the clock like hawk waiting for someone to come home and save me at the end of the day, because there wasn't anyone coming home. You can't complain about no one else picking up the slack when it's just you. Of course, I'm never going to choose being away from my husband over being with him, and I will miss him terribly and I'm not looking forward to him being gone, but I refuse to mope and be all doom and gloom about it.
