I try to keep it under wraps that I struggle quite a bit with my temper. So often I catch myself missing beautiful moments with my children because I'm so wound up about something that there is no point getting that upset over. Does it ever solve anything to blow my top and explode about anything? Maybe this is a learned behaviour? I remember my mom flipping out on me over things that I thought weren't that big of a deal, and now here I am acting the same way. What really cuts me to the quick, is that more and more I'm seeing my oldest son, Canon, getting extremely frustrated and upset over little things in the blink of an eye. I constantly scold myself that I am setting him an example as to how one should respond to disappointment or frustration, and the one I am setting isn't so great. I feel like a drill sgt some days, constantly barking at my kids and I hate it. Every day I get up and say that today is going to be different. "Today I am going to be patient and kind." Good goal. There's just one problem: I am always trying to accomplish this through my own sheer will and flesh. Just trying to hold tight and white-knuckle my way through as my pastor put it on Sunday. Every day I inevitably fail because I'm not being changed supernaturally, I'm just bottling up the frustration and then shooting off about half way through the day. Why am I not cracking open my Bible more often? Why am I not continuously in prayer about this? It isn't just a parenting problem, it's a worship problem. It's a problem with my witness. I have my own children's ministry of my very own and I'm just not giving 100% because I'm not ever asking Jesus to fill me up before I try to pour out. How can I pour out something that isn't there to begin with?
I desperately need more of Jesus in my life. Not just in my life in general, but right here, right now, in this very moment.
I'm grabbing my bible and heading outside. My two older young'uns are running around in the backyard with bubbles and water guns and all manner of fun and I want to be present with them in these moments. This is one of the big reasons why I stay home, after all, is so that I can experience all the little joys with them. So I'm going to go read my Bible with the laughter of children as the soundtrack to my afternoon. I want to soak up every wise and beautiful thing that Jesus is, so that I can better pour Him out and into others.
living life on mission
So, yesterday at church we were talking about not "if" but "when" persecution comes your way, what do you do. This "not if but when" lesson is not one that has been lost on me. I think it first came to light in my mind when I was in middle school or high school that if you are truly living for Jesus and on mission with him, that people, even other christians, will think you are crazy and do things to come against you. I feel like I need to start offending people more. lol. Not that I want to go out specifically trying to be some abrasive jerk, but that I need to be pursuing more, risking more, being more open.
Something that our church is wanting to do, is to have ten community centers planted in lost neighborhoods throughout the city, and to have a group of people dedicated to worshipping at that center and doing outreach there for a year at a time. This is what I want to do. I don't know that I have the experience to be a leader of a center, though what do I know. How much experience did Moses have when God sent him up against Pharaoh? But I at least want to be on a team of people dedicated to a center. In fact, nearly a year ago, a seed of idea was planted within me about people who purposefully move to "bad" neighborhoods in inner cities to be a witness for Christ there. When I first heard about this I immediately thought, "There's no way I'd do that with three small kids. Heck no." But God has steadily been working on my heart and what once I knee-jerk rejected, I now have as a heart's desire. Since about third or fourth grade I have wanted to be a missionary, but I had always assumed that that meant forgein missions. I don't know why it never dawned on me before, but I can be a missionary right here to my own city!
For months now I've been browsing realtor.com looking at inner city homes for sale. My parents, who live in a house that is worth between 250K and 300K in the Putnam City North school district, think that I am completely insane for wanting to move deeper into the city. Heck, they think NW 23rd St. and May Ave. is "ghetto". They obviously don't get around much. (For anyone who does NOT live in Oklahoma, a 300K house here is a really nice place in a nice neighborhood. ) I love them, and I love their house. It's been awesome that me and the boys have had plenty of room while we've been staying here waiting for the mice situation in our own house to be resolved, but I just don't feel like their lifestyle is the one I'm supposed to be pursuing right now.
How do you live life on mission? Or do you at all? Would you jump at the chance to go on an adventure with Jesus, or do you think moving from the safe suburbs to an inner city neighborhood is crazy?
Something that our church is wanting to do, is to have ten community centers planted in lost neighborhoods throughout the city, and to have a group of people dedicated to worshipping at that center and doing outreach there for a year at a time. This is what I want to do. I don't know that I have the experience to be a leader of a center, though what do I know. How much experience did Moses have when God sent him up against Pharaoh? But I at least want to be on a team of people dedicated to a center. In fact, nearly a year ago, a seed of idea was planted within me about people who purposefully move to "bad" neighborhoods in inner cities to be a witness for Christ there. When I first heard about this I immediately thought, "There's no way I'd do that with three small kids. Heck no." But God has steadily been working on my heart and what once I knee-jerk rejected, I now have as a heart's desire. Since about third or fourth grade I have wanted to be a missionary, but I had always assumed that that meant forgein missions. I don't know why it never dawned on me before, but I can be a missionary right here to my own city!
For months now I've been browsing realtor.com looking at inner city homes for sale. My parents, who live in a house that is worth between 250K and 300K in the Putnam City North school district, think that I am completely insane for wanting to move deeper into the city. Heck, they think NW 23rd St. and May Ave. is "ghetto". They obviously don't get around much. (For anyone who does NOT live in Oklahoma, a 300K house here is a really nice place in a nice neighborhood. ) I love them, and I love their house. It's been awesome that me and the boys have had plenty of room while we've been staying here waiting for the mice situation in our own house to be resolved, but I just don't feel like their lifestyle is the one I'm supposed to be pursuing right now.
How do you live life on mission? Or do you at all? Would you jump at the chance to go on an adventure with Jesus, or do you think moving from the safe suburbs to an inner city neighborhood is crazy?
mice.
Tuesday before last Doyle woke up crying about fifteen after five in the morning. In my half-asleep stupor I thought I heard scratching coming from inside one of the walls in my bedroom. It soon stopped and I figured it was probably my DVR box doing something and my sleepy imagination was playing tricks on me. Two night later I was woken up by the scratching sound, again, just past five a.m. This time I popped up wide awake and listened. I walked over to the wall just to make sure and yes, there was most definitely some thing inside the wall.
I proceeded to panic.
I immediately started packing up a suitcase throwing all the clean clothes I could find of mine and the kids inside. When the clock finally hit six a.m I called my mom who I knew would be sympathetic to my plight as she is also afraid of mice. I got the okay from her to come on over, so I woke up the kids, got them dressed as quickly as possible and high-tailed it to my mom's house on the north side of OKC.
Once a more reasonable hour rolled around we called an exterminator and he came out the next day. Right away he started off by saying that this isn't typically the time of year that mice enter houses, that the wall in question would be an unlikely hang out for mice, and that the house itself was sealed up pretty tight against pests, but I knew what I heard so as a last ditched effort he checked the attic and that's where he found them. He said there were dropping everywhere and that they had chewed tunnels all through the insulation. (Insert me shivering with the heeby-jeebies.) He put down multi-feed bait in the attic and in some bait stations around the house, charged me an arm and a leg and said he'd be back to check the bait in three months.
THREE MONTHS!? We spent one night in the house and after being up all night listened to the mice (which as it happens I had been hearing for months, I just didn't realize that was what the noises were) we headed back to my mom's place. My step-dad decided to be a little more proactive and put actual traps up in the attic to help take them out faster, but until I know they are gone, I refuse to go back. It was bad enough when giant spiders started moving in, but I could spray those bad boys with my giant black can o' spider death. But then I found the huge intact snake skin in the backyard, and now the mice.....Why do these things happen when my big strong husband is gone? I think it's that way for military wives everywhere.
What about you? Is there any creepy creature that would make you hit the road if you discovered them in your house?
I proceeded to panic.
I immediately started packing up a suitcase throwing all the clean clothes I could find of mine and the kids inside. When the clock finally hit six a.m I called my mom who I knew would be sympathetic to my plight as she is also afraid of mice. I got the okay from her to come on over, so I woke up the kids, got them dressed as quickly as possible and high-tailed it to my mom's house on the north side of OKC.
Once a more reasonable hour rolled around we called an exterminator and he came out the next day. Right away he started off by saying that this isn't typically the time of year that mice enter houses, that the wall in question would be an unlikely hang out for mice, and that the house itself was sealed up pretty tight against pests, but I knew what I heard so as a last ditched effort he checked the attic and that's where he found them. He said there were dropping everywhere and that they had chewed tunnels all through the insulation. (Insert me shivering with the heeby-jeebies.) He put down multi-feed bait in the attic and in some bait stations around the house, charged me an arm and a leg and said he'd be back to check the bait in three months.
THREE MONTHS!? We spent one night in the house and after being up all night listened to the mice (which as it happens I had been hearing for months, I just didn't realize that was what the noises were) we headed back to my mom's place. My step-dad decided to be a little more proactive and put actual traps up in the attic to help take them out faster, but until I know they are gone, I refuse to go back. It was bad enough when giant spiders started moving in, but I could spray those bad boys with my giant black can o' spider death. But then I found the huge intact snake skin in the backyard, and now the mice.....Why do these things happen when my big strong husband is gone? I think it's that way for military wives everywhere.
What about you? Is there any creepy creature that would make you hit the road if you discovered them in your house?
busy little bees
it crosses my mind nearly every day that I haven't been updating my blog, and yet I never make it over here to do it. So just now when I thought to myself, "Self, it's sure been a while since you blogged anything." I decided to act and blog.
It's been 8 weeks since my husband left for Korea and I've been doing my best to keep the kids and I busy and it seems to be working. We've taken multiple picnic trips to the zoo (note to self: get a zoo membership), spent lots of time at church and at my mom's house, gone to birthday parties, Cuppies and Joe, story times, and logged many an hour just playing outside in our own yard.
Last week we took a trip down to the Earlywine Aquatic Center. While it was a very nice pool, it was EXPENSIVE!! $5 a person for everyone, including my little ten month old equals $20 for me to take the kids to the pool. It was also very crowded. Though a little smalled, Mustang's city pool looks to be equally nice (from what I've seen peeking through the fence) and has the added bonus of being a heck of a lot closer to where we live as well as about half the cost (still $5 a person, but the don't start charging till age 4.) I keep meaning to hit up an OKC sprayground since they are free of charge, but just haven't made it out to one yet.
How do you like to spend your summers? Keeping busy or taking it easy?
It's been 8 weeks since my husband left for Korea and I've been doing my best to keep the kids and I busy and it seems to be working. We've taken multiple picnic trips to the zoo (note to self: get a zoo membership), spent lots of time at church and at my mom's house, gone to birthday parties, Cuppies and Joe, story times, and logged many an hour just playing outside in our own yard.
Last week we took a trip down to the Earlywine Aquatic Center. While it was a very nice pool, it was EXPENSIVE!! $5 a person for everyone, including my little ten month old equals $20 for me to take the kids to the pool. It was also very crowded. Though a little smalled, Mustang's city pool looks to be equally nice (from what I've seen peeking through the fence) and has the added bonus of being a heck of a lot closer to where we live as well as about half the cost (still $5 a person, but the don't start charging till age 4.) I keep meaning to hit up an OKC sprayground since they are free of charge, but just haven't made it out to one yet.
How do you like to spend your summers? Keeping busy or taking it easy?
conviction
Lord Jesus forgive me, I feel like I am finally developing a true hunger for Christ and His presence and to be intimate with Him and do His work. For several years I've been saying that I wanted to get back to a strong place in my walk. In my head I knew that that was what I should be pursuing, but I just didn't feel that hunger within my heart. I guess I was too comfortable being, well, comfortable. However, Christ doesn't call us to be comfortable. Living as merely a spectator in a pew on Sunday mornings doesn't stir one's soul. It doesn't satisfy. I did manage in that time to get myself back into church, but it was just the same old messages that I've heard my entire life that always boil down to being a good person. You know, pay your tithe, be polite to your co-workers, don't curse, don't cheat on your spouse, etc....and while all of those things are good things to go by, there is just so much more to being a Christian than merely being a good person.
I always really felt like there just had to be more to it. There had to be more to this whole 'living for Jesus' thing than wearing WWJD? bracelets and listening to Charlie Hall cd's. There should be risk, there should be adventure, it should be something radical. It should truly change you. Change who you are at your very core.
So today I was reading along in Matthew and got to the part at the end of chapter 6 where Jesus is talking about God clothing the grass of the field with flowers and aren't we more important than grass. Growing up in church I've heard these verses about a million times, but glory to God how He makes all things fresh and new! Tonight it just really struck me how much time I have spent thinking about clothes. Typical girl, especially with planning a vow renewal I've been looking at clothes and thinking about clothes a LOT lately. To be completely honest, back when I went to Burn at Shekinah last month I had a really hard time getting in to the worship. I saw all these other people just totally feeling the presence of God and I just didn't. Right then the Holy Spirit convicted me and said, "You spent more time preparing your outward appearance than you did preparing your heart to be with me. You wasted time on choosing 'the perfect outfit' for a social gathering when you should have been preparing your heart to be in my presence." Consequently, His presence was withheld from me that night and it was heartbreaking. Being disciplined by the Holy Spirit is never an enjoyable feeling. And yet what did I do? The next morning I walked right along on the same path and never made a change.
Tonight I could feel God telling me "You feel empty. I can make you full. Turn off the TV and open your Bible. You are never going to find the wholeness you are searching for on that TV. Open my word." I resisted it at first, but thank God for His persistance. Thank You, Lord, that You never give up on me.
So I read and first came across Matt. 5:47 "And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?" Instantly my mind flooded with Hope for the Hopeless. Hope for the Hopeless is a bible study at Frontline that my friend Josh Kidd leads that is geared towards all the punk rock, hardcore, goth, etc. people. I went week before last and had made up my mind that I wouldn't return because I just wasn't one of those kids anymore and I felt horribly out of place. After reading this verse though, I think I will go back. No, I'm not decked out in crazy clothes and multicolored hair anymore, but just because I'm not and they are doesn't mean that I shouldn't give them the time of day. We are all one body. Isn't the whole point of the bible study to reach out to the counter-culture people living on the fringe? Yes, it is out of my comfort zone- all the more reason to keep going. So that settles it. Tomorrow night I'm returning to the bible study.....and maybe I'll bake some cupcakes or something to bring along.
Bunny trail there- back to the clothes issue. Jesus clearly says that we are not to be all "What shall I wear?" cause God knows that we need clothes. Ouch. There's another zap from the Holy Spirit. I couldn't even tell you how many times I have said "What shall I wear?" or "I have nothing to wear." in the last few weeks. I have spent an insane amount of time online looking at clothes. Time that I could have spent being a good steward of my home by attending to that pile of clean laundry that is over-taking my living room, waiting to be folded and put away. Time that I could have spent reading the word and praying and teaching my kids by example to make those things a priority. In Luke chapter 12 the same story is told and adds, "Sell your possesions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will never fail, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys." Sell your possessions and give to the poor is pretty cut and dry don't you think? Quit stock piling all this expensive crap that you don't really need and put that money towards those who are truly living without. The next part also made me think of women as a whole. Women and purses. It made me think of all the designer handbags out there that women throw down hundreds if not thousands of dollars on. Purses that will eventually wear out or quite possibly be stolen. But if instead you took the hundred, five hundred, or more dollars that you would be shelling out for say, a Coach bag, and gave that to your local rescue mission the purse that you would receive in turn would be one in heaven that would blow that tan bag with the C's all over it out of the water. Now I'm sure that that probably isn't the purse that the writer is referring to. I doubt they had designer handbags back then, but it makes sense here in the modern age, don't you think?
I am here by committing myself to take a break from thinking about clothes. Instead of watching the Style Network and window shopping online, I will read my bible, pray, put on some praise music and worship God. I will avoid magazines and shopping malls and stores. If I absolutely MUST get some new garment (though I can't imagine I would) I will either make it myself or buy used.
It's time to refocus. It's time to stop trying to follow Jesus just a little bit and go all in. It's time to get serious and make the main thing the main thing.
I always really felt like there just had to be more to it. There had to be more to this whole 'living for Jesus' thing than wearing WWJD? bracelets and listening to Charlie Hall cd's. There should be risk, there should be adventure, it should be something radical. It should truly change you. Change who you are at your very core.
So today I was reading along in Matthew and got to the part at the end of chapter 6 where Jesus is talking about God clothing the grass of the field with flowers and aren't we more important than grass. Growing up in church I've heard these verses about a million times, but glory to God how He makes all things fresh and new! Tonight it just really struck me how much time I have spent thinking about clothes. Typical girl, especially with planning a vow renewal I've been looking at clothes and thinking about clothes a LOT lately. To be completely honest, back when I went to Burn at Shekinah last month I had a really hard time getting in to the worship. I saw all these other people just totally feeling the presence of God and I just didn't. Right then the Holy Spirit convicted me and said, "You spent more time preparing your outward appearance than you did preparing your heart to be with me. You wasted time on choosing 'the perfect outfit' for a social gathering when you should have been preparing your heart to be in my presence." Consequently, His presence was withheld from me that night and it was heartbreaking. Being disciplined by the Holy Spirit is never an enjoyable feeling. And yet what did I do? The next morning I walked right along on the same path and never made a change.
Tonight I could feel God telling me "You feel empty. I can make you full. Turn off the TV and open your Bible. You are never going to find the wholeness you are searching for on that TV. Open my word." I resisted it at first, but thank God for His persistance. Thank You, Lord, that You never give up on me.
So I read and first came across Matt. 5:47 "And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?" Instantly my mind flooded with Hope for the Hopeless. Hope for the Hopeless is a bible study at Frontline that my friend Josh Kidd leads that is geared towards all the punk rock, hardcore, goth, etc. people. I went week before last and had made up my mind that I wouldn't return because I just wasn't one of those kids anymore and I felt horribly out of place. After reading this verse though, I think I will go back. No, I'm not decked out in crazy clothes and multicolored hair anymore, but just because I'm not and they are doesn't mean that I shouldn't give them the time of day. We are all one body. Isn't the whole point of the bible study to reach out to the counter-culture people living on the fringe? Yes, it is out of my comfort zone- all the more reason to keep going. So that settles it. Tomorrow night I'm returning to the bible study.....and maybe I'll bake some cupcakes or something to bring along.
Bunny trail there- back to the clothes issue. Jesus clearly says that we are not to be all "What shall I wear?" cause God knows that we need clothes. Ouch. There's another zap from the Holy Spirit. I couldn't even tell you how many times I have said "What shall I wear?" or "I have nothing to wear." in the last few weeks. I have spent an insane amount of time online looking at clothes. Time that I could have spent being a good steward of my home by attending to that pile of clean laundry that is over-taking my living room, waiting to be folded and put away. Time that I could have spent reading the word and praying and teaching my kids by example to make those things a priority. In Luke chapter 12 the same story is told and adds, "Sell your possesions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will never fail, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys." Sell your possessions and give to the poor is pretty cut and dry don't you think? Quit stock piling all this expensive crap that you don't really need and put that money towards those who are truly living without. The next part also made me think of women as a whole. Women and purses. It made me think of all the designer handbags out there that women throw down hundreds if not thousands of dollars on. Purses that will eventually wear out or quite possibly be stolen. But if instead you took the hundred, five hundred, or more dollars that you would be shelling out for say, a Coach bag, and gave that to your local rescue mission the purse that you would receive in turn would be one in heaven that would blow that tan bag with the C's all over it out of the water. Now I'm sure that that probably isn't the purse that the writer is referring to. I doubt they had designer handbags back then, but it makes sense here in the modern age, don't you think?
I am here by committing myself to take a break from thinking about clothes. Instead of watching the Style Network and window shopping online, I will read my bible, pray, put on some praise music and worship God. I will avoid magazines and shopping malls and stores. If I absolutely MUST get some new garment (though I can't imagine I would) I will either make it myself or buy used.
It's time to refocus. It's time to stop trying to follow Jesus just a little bit and go all in. It's time to get serious and make the main thing the main thing.
Hey stomach flu- LEAVE ALREADY!!
It's been a crazy week around here. At least one of my children has thrown up every day for the last seven days. This morning it was the baby puking into my hair. You're gagging, I know. I did too.
The seven days has also been pretty exciting though as my hubby and I have decided to have a wedding ceremony for our anniversary next year. (He'll still be in Korea for this year's anniversary.) Hubs and I just went down to the Oklahoma County Courthouse to get married and only had two friends go with us, with whom we've since lost contact. Being the girly girl that I am, of course I have never given up on my dream of having a wedding with my family there. It's pretty much going to be limited to just family because I have a HUGE family. I'm hispanic. What more need I say? I'm beyond excited at planning this thing. It'll be a nice project to keep me distracted while hubs is overseas as well.
Currently we're just enjoying some down time after running errands all day. It's so nice to just sit on the couch and chill sometimes.
The seven days has also been pretty exciting though as my hubby and I have decided to have a wedding ceremony for our anniversary next year. (He'll still be in Korea for this year's anniversary.) Hubs and I just went down to the Oklahoma County Courthouse to get married and only had two friends go with us, with whom we've since lost contact. Being the girly girl that I am, of course I have never given up on my dream of having a wedding with my family there. It's pretty much going to be limited to just family because I have a HUGE family. I'm hispanic. What more need I say? I'm beyond excited at planning this thing. It'll be a nice project to keep me distracted while hubs is overseas as well.
Currently we're just enjoying some down time after running errands all day. It's so nice to just sit on the couch and chill sometimes.
bills and illness
Can I just say how much I hate bills? I mean, I know they are necessary and that is fine, but as someone who lived in military housing for the bulk of their adult life, it is quite a switch to suddenly have to worry about rent and utilities and lawn care and pest control. Not that we weren't paying for those things before, but we were paying significantly less and it was all taken from hubby's check automatically. It's been a long time since I've had to worry about getting rent paid on time and all of that.
My oldest boy was sick yesterday. He woke up saying he felt sick and that his stomach didn't feel good, but I just figured it was because he was hungry and needed to eat. Next thing I know he's throwing up last night's macaroni and cheese all over the carpet the poor kid. He pretty much laid on the couch all morning and then laid in bed all afternoon. I dragged him out of the house (he said he was feeling better) so I could go pick up a pizza becaues I couldn't find anyone to deliver one out to us, and as soon as we got back inside the house he just laid down on the floor right in the hallway. Tell me that isn't going to break a momma's heart. He ended up throwing up again around midnight and developed a little bit of a fever. I hope he feels better today. It's so unlike my kids to get sick.
My oldest boy was sick yesterday. He woke up saying he felt sick and that his stomach didn't feel good, but I just figured it was because he was hungry and needed to eat. Next thing I know he's throwing up last night's macaroni and cheese all over the carpet the poor kid. He pretty much laid on the couch all morning and then laid in bed all afternoon. I dragged him out of the house (he said he was feeling better) so I could go pick up a pizza becaues I couldn't find anyone to deliver one out to us, and as soon as we got back inside the house he just laid down on the floor right in the hallway. Tell me that isn't going to break a momma's heart. He ended up throwing up again around midnight and developed a little bit of a fever. I hope he feels better today. It's so unlike my kids to get sick.
