conviction

Lord Jesus forgive me, I feel like I am finally developing a true hunger for Christ and His presence and to be intimate with Him and do His work. For several years I've been saying that I wanted to get back to a strong place in my walk. In my head I knew that that was what I should be pursuing, but I just didn't feel that hunger within my heart. I guess I was too comfortable being, well, comfortable. However, Christ doesn't call us to be comfortable. Living as merely a spectator in a pew on Sunday mornings doesn't stir one's soul. It doesn't satisfy. I did manage in that time to get myself back into church, but it was just the same old messages that I've heard my entire life that always boil down to being a good person. You know, pay your tithe, be polite to your co-workers, don't curse, don't cheat on your spouse, etc....and while all of those things are good things to go by, there is just so much more to being a Christian than merely being a good person.
I always really felt like there just had to be more to it. There had to be more to this whole 'living for Jesus' thing than wearing WWJD? bracelets and listening to Charlie Hall cd's. There should be risk, there should be adventure, it should be something radical. It should truly change you. Change who you are at your very core.
So today I was reading along in Matthew and got to the part at the end of chapter 6 where Jesus is talking about God clothing the grass of the field with flowers and aren't we more important than grass. Growing up in church I've heard these verses about a million times, but glory to God how He makes all things fresh and new! Tonight it just really struck me how much time I have spent thinking about clothes. Typical girl, especially with planning a vow renewal I've been looking at clothes and thinking about clothes a LOT lately. To be completely honest, back when I went to Burn at Shekinah last month I had a really hard time getting in to the worship. I saw all these other people just totally feeling the presence of God and I just didn't. Right then the Holy Spirit convicted me and said, "You spent more time preparing your outward appearance than you did preparing your heart to be with me. You wasted time on choosing 'the perfect outfit' for a social gathering when you should have been preparing your heart to be in my presence." Consequently, His presence was withheld from me that night and it was heartbreaking. Being disciplined by the Holy Spirit is never an enjoyable feeling. And yet what did I do? The next morning I walked right along on the same path and never made a change.
Tonight I could feel God telling me "You feel empty. I can make you full. Turn off the TV and open your Bible. You are never going to find the wholeness you are searching for on that TV. Open my word." I resisted it at first, but thank God for His persistance. Thank You, Lord, that You never give up on me.
So I read and first came across Matt. 5:47 "And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?" Instantly my mind flooded with Hope for the Hopeless. Hope for the Hopeless is a bible study at Frontline that my friend Josh Kidd leads that is geared towards all the punk rock, hardcore, goth, etc. people. I went week before last and had made up my mind that I wouldn't return because I just wasn't one of those kids anymore and I felt horribly out of place. After reading this verse though, I think I will go back. No, I'm not decked out in crazy clothes and multicolored hair anymore, but just because I'm not and they are doesn't mean that I shouldn't give them the time of day. We are all one body. Isn't the whole point of the bible study to reach out to the counter-culture people living on the fringe? Yes, it is out of my comfort zone- all the more reason to keep going. So that settles it. Tomorrow night I'm returning to the bible study.....and maybe I'll bake some cupcakes or something to bring along.
Bunny trail there- back to the clothes issue. Jesus clearly says that we are not to be all "What shall I wear?" cause God knows that we need clothes. Ouch. There's another zap from the Holy Spirit. I couldn't even tell you how many times I have said "What shall I wear?" or "I have nothing to wear." in the last few weeks. I have spent an insane amount of time online looking at clothes. Time that I could have spent being a good steward of my home by attending to that pile of clean laundry that is over-taking my living room, waiting to be folded and put away. Time that I could have spent reading the word and praying and teaching my kids by example to make those things a priority. In Luke chapter 12 the same story is told and adds, "Sell your possesions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will never fail, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys." Sell your possessions and give to the poor is pretty cut and dry don't you think? Quit stock piling all this expensive crap that you don't really need and put that money towards those who are truly living without. The next part also made me think of women as a whole. Women and purses. It made me think of all the designer handbags out there that women throw down hundreds if not thousands of dollars on. Purses that will eventually wear out or quite possibly be stolen. But if instead you took the hundred, five hundred, or more dollars that you would be shelling out for say, a Coach bag, and gave that to your local rescue mission the purse that you would receive in turn would be one in heaven that would blow that tan bag with the C's all over it out of the water. Now I'm sure that that probably isn't the purse that the writer is referring to. I doubt they had designer handbags back then, but it makes sense here in the modern age, don't you think?
I am here by committing myself to take a break from thinking about clothes. Instead of watching the Style Network and window shopping online, I will read my bible, pray, put on some praise music and worship God. I will avoid magazines and shopping malls and stores. If I absolutely MUST get some new garment (though I can't imagine I would) I will either make it myself or buy used.
It's time to refocus. It's time to stop trying to follow Jesus just a little bit and go all in. It's time to get serious and make the main thing the main thing.

growing old so young

i think i might have to surrender to the fact that no longer am i hip/quirky/artsy/off-beat/edgy/etc. i don't go to thrift stores anymore because i don't have the time to look through all the stuff without constantly saying "stop touching that!" "quit hitting him!" "put that down!" "get back over here!". i no longer feel like i have the power to "pull things off" so to speak when it comes to clothing and/or accessories as i once did. i have no idea what is going on in music today or what bands i like or even what style of music i like because i never have time to just listen to music. or read (see previous post). i don't go to shows or museums or galleries or festivals. i no longer am dressing in finds from thrift stores and flea markets and vintage shops. i'm wearing jeans and vneck sweater from old navy for crying out loud! there was a time that i would never EVER have worn something from old navy. i haven't sewn myself a skirt or a dress in years.
when did i become so dang dull? yes, i'd like to grow up and be an adult. i don't want to be stuck at age 19/20 for my entire life, but how did i let myself become someone i said i would never be?

summer of 2004

i think aside from the aesthetic aspect of it, is that i truly love where i live. i love everything about oklahoma. yes, i live next to a railroad track across the street from a pasture full of cows, but there really is so much more to oklahoma than cowboys and indians. i feel like i have been living in a tunnel from a few years, but now that i'm back in the great state of OK, i fully intend to take advantage of all the antique shops and festivals, not just me, but for my kids as well. there is so much out there that i would love for them to see and experience- all the different arts festivals and cultural festivals. i want to instill in them that sense of pride for you state and all the different types of people in it. all kinds of people from the society folks to the inner city folks, farmers to drag queens, and all the people inbetween. i also want them to feel like something like 'growing up' and becoming 'responsible' doesn't necissarily mean that you have to lose your whole identity.

i think having this fresh new start is the perfect time to reinvent myself. get back to the person that God truly created me to be, someone who was quirky, but not wild, and loved to serve others and learn about and from others. now all that's left to do is to get us out there!