day one...

so the husband left this morning. yesterday i made mention of it being daddy's last day before he leaves for korea and my sweet little three year old said in a very quiet voice, "i want to go with daaaddyyyyyy..."and started to cry. he ran straight for the hubs and just kept saying "but i want to go with you....i want to stay with you...." i caught myself starting to tear up and had to really work at holding it together. especially when i caught the husband sniffling as well. he NEVER cries. i think i can recall maybe twice in the nearly 6 years we've been together him crying. how could you not cry though when this little child so desperate to keep you and you have to go away for so long?

after that little scene played out, we decided it'd be better for my mother-in-law to take hubs to the airport instead of me waking up the kids and us taking him. i've caught myself every now and then today getting that heavy feeling in my chest, but each time i just take a deep breathe, blow it out and tell myself that i don't need to be strong for the next 365 days, i just need to keep it together for today. i'm just going to focus on today. it is definitely helping that after days of cold rainy weather, God is blessing us with a beautiful, warm, sunny day.

besides, who has time to mope when all these little faces are shining around you?

growing old so young

i think i might have to surrender to the fact that no longer am i hip/quirky/artsy/off-beat/edgy/etc. i don't go to thrift stores anymore because i don't have the time to look through all the stuff without constantly saying "stop touching that!" "quit hitting him!" "put that down!" "get back over here!". i no longer feel like i have the power to "pull things off" so to speak when it comes to clothing and/or accessories as i once did. i have no idea what is going on in music today or what bands i like or even what style of music i like because i never have time to just listen to music. or read (see previous post). i don't go to shows or museums or galleries or festivals. i no longer am dressing in finds from thrift stores and flea markets and vintage shops. i'm wearing jeans and vneck sweater from old navy for crying out loud! there was a time that i would never EVER have worn something from old navy. i haven't sewn myself a skirt or a dress in years.
when did i become so dang dull? yes, i'd like to grow up and be an adult. i don't want to be stuck at age 19/20 for my entire life, but how did i let myself become someone i said i would never be?

summer of 2004

i think aside from the aesthetic aspect of it, is that i truly love where i live. i love everything about oklahoma. yes, i live next to a railroad track across the street from a pasture full of cows, but there really is so much more to oklahoma than cowboys and indians. i feel like i have been living in a tunnel from a few years, but now that i'm back in the great state of OK, i fully intend to take advantage of all the antique shops and festivals, not just me, but for my kids as well. there is so much out there that i would love for them to see and experience- all the different arts festivals and cultural festivals. i want to instill in them that sense of pride for you state and all the different types of people in it. all kinds of people from the society folks to the inner city folks, farmers to drag queens, and all the people inbetween. i also want them to feel like something like 'growing up' and becoming 'responsible' doesn't necissarily mean that you have to lose your whole identity.

i think having this fresh new start is the perfect time to reinvent myself. get back to the person that God truly created me to be, someone who was quirky, but not wild, and loved to serve others and learn about and from others. now all that's left to do is to get us out there!