Back when my husband went through his first deployment in 2006, I was extremely anxious about the whole ordeal. I wasn't really ever worried for him. I knew that he was a good soldier, good with his rifle, and could take care of himself. I was worried for ME! How on earth was I going to handle all of the things for which I was responsible, plus all of the things my husband handled? Oh, and lest we forget, I had a son who was just barely one year old and a newborn and was therefore in the throws of trying to figure out how to be a mother of two. (I think any mom of more than one can attest to the stress of adjusting to being mother to more than one. When you only have one child, you devote yourself wholly to that child's happiness. You can stop your world from spinning to get their needs met and a smile back on their face. Once you have another, that reality ceases to exist and suddenly you have two babies who can never seem to nap at the same time, but can always seem to be upset at the same time and both have yet to grasp the concept of patience.) To say that I was nervous about him leaving would be a severe understatement. It was more like full blown panic attacks the months leading up to and for several months after he left for Iraq. There were many days that I would just sit in the floor and bawl my eyes out because I felt so overwhelmed and helpless.
me, wearing Ephraim on my front, and Canon on my back at once. summer 2007.
But as is the case in life, you learn to adjust. It all made me a stronger person and during that time I became quite skilled at finding the most efficient way to get things done. Now, this strength and knowledge has been both a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, I have been able to help dozens of mothers learn how to wear their babies in slings, wraps, mei tai's, pouches and soft-structured carriers so that they can keep their little one close, comfortable, and contained while they clean house, grocery shop, or whatever it is they are needing to do. I've been able to offer a lot of encouragement to other military wives and girlfriends going through their first deployments.
However, along with the self-sufficiency I have noticed that I have trouble receiving offers of help. It's not that I don't ever want help, it's just that after so long of meeting my needs myself, I now find that I don't often feel like I have needs that need help to get met. I've reached a point where I'm now self-sufficient to the point that I don't leave much room in my life to be helped, or to be ministered to and blessed by others. I constantly find people asking me, "Do you need help with anything?" and I reply, "I got it." I've become a poster child for strength, efficiency and multi-tasking and it has come at a price. We're called to be an encouragement to others, but am I letting people encourage me or am I closing myself off to being ministered to by others? I'm afraid it's probably the latter, but at least I recognize it now.
Now the question is, how do I make the change? How do I open myself up to that community with others? That's also a problem that I've noticed since we plunged into Army life. It's so easy for me to get caught up in living in the present, instead of living in the now. Back when I was pregnant with Ephraim all of my thoughts were, "once John leaves for Iraq...." and then once he left my thoughts switched to "once John comes home...." Then he came home, immediately got pregnant again and it naturally turned in to thinking, "once the baby's born...." and then "once we move to Oklahoma", "once we move to the city" "once you're in Korea", and now a lot of my thoughts have been "once we get back to North Carolina...". Along those lines it can make it hard for me to want to open myself up to others because I think, "What's the point in making friends here when I'm only going to be here for a few more months? It's only going to make it that much harder to leave." Heck, even when we lived on an army post it was easy to not want to get too attached to people, because it seems like as soon as you find someone you really click with, one of you will move away. On the one hand, you get a really tightly knit family unit. On the other hand, you isolate yourself from other families who could be encouraging you and vice-versa. How do you pour yourself into others if you avoid all contact with the world outside the walls of your house?
I want to learn to make friends with abandon again. I want to jump in, head first without a worry as to whether or not this person is going to end up being shady and screwing me over. I don't want to worry about getting hurt by them down the line, or getting attached to them and then it being hard to leave. I want to just build relationships and be in the moment in them. I want to stop being the strong one all the time and be vulnerable and lean on people and I want to be in a friendship where I won't have to worry that being vulnerable is going to freak them out. I want that small part of the old, pre-Army me back.
